grace in words that give life

"You know it.  You feel it, I do too.
Just listen.  Something is calling you."

-Norah Jones, "Something is Calling You"

i've been thinking a lot about words lately.  the words that we choose to use.  it's a lot easier to take time and be selective when writing than it is speaking.  i've noticed lately that when i get stressed out, i tend to grow careless in my word choice - especially when speaking.  sometimes my words hurt and destroy rather than giving life.  i imagine most of us could probably say the same thing; we are not always at our best and sometimes we need God's grace to re-fuel us and re-inspire us.  sometimes we need grace from others to move past those less-than-stellar moments and those days we'd like to forget.  my prayer right now is that my words will be more like God's words - that they will give life, and call others to greatness, to action, and to be their best selves.  

think of all the voices speaking to you these days.  which ones give you life?  which ones inspire you to be your best self?  which ones are better left ignored?  what about God's voice?  how is our loving creator calling you these days?  what is he calling you to do?  who is he calling you to be?  these are the questions i am pondering for myself these days.  there are no quick or easy answers, but this is one of those stretches when i will do my best to live the questions.

"Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

-Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet

Precious moments

"spend precious moments with the ones that i hold dear...

make up for lost time here...in my next 30 years"

-tim mcgraw

you know when you're in the middle of a moment that can only be described as precious?  i used to make fun of those figurines, but i have to say, that sam butcher was onto something.  the last line of his bio on the PM website says, "Nothing means more to him than his children and grandchildren, and he takes advantage of every opportunity to make them an active part of his life and his work."  change "him" to "her", and that pretty much sums up my grandma.

i had the joy and privilege to spend a little bit of time with her last week when my bridesmaid duties took me down to virginia and i was able to sneak in just under 48 hours with the woman who gave birth to the woman who gave birth to me.  we didn't do anything grand.  lots of talking.  some eating.  some drinking hot beverages.  some work outside.  some praying.  but mostly just lots of talking.  precious moments.  it's amazing how just being in her presence fills my spirit.

at one point she was talking about her life and how she hasn't done much of great significance.  "i was born, i lived, someday i'll die", she said to me.  two things about that simple sentence stood out to me.  first, my grandma is the most humble person ever to walk this planet.  she is the absolute embodiment of mother teresa's belief that we can't do great things - only small things with great love.  second, when my grandma says she lived, she means it.  that woman has traveled the world.  she raised a family.  she singlehandedly keeps jesus, mary, and all the saints busy as can be with all her prayers.  she plants and harvests and shares an abundance every year.  she painstakingly de-shells crab meat and de-bones turkey meat for crabcakes and soup and makes the most amazing spaghetti sauce and raw apple cake.  she is 87 years old and has somehow managed to find the balance between doing as she pleases and doing for others.  she takes better care of herself than most 30-somethings i know.  in her neck of the woods, she is known as the local angel because of her perpetual kindness and generosity.

i can only hope to have inherited some of the wonderfulness that is my grandma.  in the meantime, i will continue to soak up the precious moments, however few and far between they may be.

Is it wrong to sympathize with Pilate?

i started writing this post on good friday.  i didn't publish right away because i wasn't sure if i wanted to go public with these very incomplete, somewhat sacrilegious thoughts.  almost a month later, here you go.

i hate to admit it, but this year, as i was listening to the story of jesus' passion according to john, i found myself sympathizing with pilate.  i know, right?  how horrible.  how awful.  as a kid i always thought of him as the bad guy.  he was the reason jesus died.  maybe i'm just crazy.  maybe in my old age i'm beginning to see in gray rather than black and white.  maybe being in a position of authority and not always liking the responsibility that comes with it makes me want to think that pilate and i aren't so different after all.

So Pilate came out to them and said, 
"What charge do you bring against this man?"
They answered and said to him,
"If he were not a criminal, 
we would not have handed him over to you."
At this, Pilate said to them, 
"Take him yourselves, and judge him according to your law."

first, pilate tried to throw the problem back at the people.  you fix it.  you're the ones who see it as a problem.  i've definitely done that.  wish i did it more often, in fact.  a particularly good tactic when you don't agree that said problem is in fact a problem and have actual bigger problems to deal with.

So Pilate went back into the praetorium 
and summoned Jesus and said to him, 
"Are you the King of the Jews?"
Jesus answered,
"Do you say this on your own 
or have others told you about me?"
Pilate answered,
"I am not a Jew, am I?
Your own nation and the chief priests handed you over to me.
What have you done?"

next, pilate goes straight to the problem and questions him directly.  i find myself in this position, ohhhh, about 20 times every day.  so-and-so says this; is it true?  why did you say/do said thing?

Jesus answered,
"My kingdom does not belong to this world.
If my kingdom did belong to this world, 
my attendants would be fighting 
to keep me from being handed over to the Jews.
But as it is, my kingdom is not here."
So Pilate said to him,
"Then you are a king?"
Jesus answered,
"You say I am a king.
For this I was born and for this I came into the world, 
to testify to the truth.
Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."
Pilate said to him, "What is truth?"

then pilate gets a little flustered because this problem is quickly becoming his problem.  it doesn't help that he gives cryptic answers to pilate's questions and answers his questions with more questions.

When he had said this,
he again went out to the Jews and said to them,
"I find no guilt in him.
But you have a custom that I release one prisoner to you at Passover.
Do you want me to release to you the King of the Jews?"
They cried out again,
"Not this one but Barabbas!"

even though if i were pilate at this point, i would probably be pulling my hair out and having a panic attack, he seems to really get that this guy didn't do anything wrong.  he tries to get out of what he fears is an awful decision he's going to have to make in order to please the angry crowds.  but they will have none of it.  they force him into a corner.

Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged.
And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head, 
and clothed him in a purple cloak, 
and they came to him and said,
"Hail, King of the Jews!"
And they struck him repeatedly.
Once more Pilate went out and said to them, 
"Look, I am bringing him out to you, 
so that you may know that I find no guilt in him."
So Jesus came out, 
wearing the crown of thorns and the purple cloak.
And he said to them, "Behold, the man!"
When the chief priests and the guards saw him they cried out, 
"Crucify him, crucify him!"

one last time, pilate tries to get out of it.  he doesn't want innocent blood on his hands.  he doesn't want to do this and knows on some level that it's wrong.  but he can't ignore the politics that are involved; he can't have an uprising on his hands.  the people hit him wear it hurts; accuse him of not being loyal to his superior.

Pilate said to them,
"Take him yourselves and crucify him.
I find no guilt in him."
The Jews answered, 
"We have a law, and according to that law he ought to die, 
because he made himself the Son of God."
Now when Pilate heard this statement,
he became even more afraid, 
and went back into the praetorium and said to Jesus, 
"Where are you from?"
Jesus did not answer him.
So Pilate said to him,
"Do you not speak to me?
Do you not know that I have power to release you 
and I have power to crucify you?"
Jesus answered him,
"You would have no power over me 
if it had not been given to you from above.
For this reason the one who handed me over to you
has the greater sin."
Consequently, Pilate tried to release him; but the Jews cried out, 
"If you release him, you are not a Friend of Caesar.
Everyone who makes himself a king opposes Caesar."


when pilate realized there was no easy way out of this, he did what he felt he had to do, wrong though it may have been.  i like to think he was trying to think of the greater good, although he was probably just a coward.  i also like to think maybe he really had no idea what he was doing, but most leaders have pretty good instinct.  finally, in an attempt to feel a little less awful about himself and his actions, he holds firm on the inscription.  what is written is true, which must count for something.

There they crucified him, and with him two others, 
one on either side, with Jesus in the middle.
Pilate also had an inscription written and put on the cross.
It read,
"Jesus the Nazorean, the King of the Jews."
Now many of the Jews read this inscription, 
because the place where Jesus was crucified was near the city; 
and it was written in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek.
So the chief priests of the Jews said to Pilate, 
"Do not write 'The King of the Jews,'
but that he said, 'I am the King of the Jews'."
Pilate answered,"What I have written, I have written."

and the world was never the same.  i wonder if there are any accounts of pilate, post-jesus' crucifixion.  what great impact did this awful error in judgment have on his leadership, on his career, on his soul?