grace through change

i can't believe it's been six months since i've posted.  there have been many moments when i've thought to myself, "i should blog about that."  but it just hasn't happened.  what has happened is a lot of change!  in the last six months i have moved.  i have changed jobs.  i have changed living environments.  and i think today is the first chance i've really had to step back from it all and reflect on it well enough to write about it.  i'm on retreat (surprise, surprise), so the reflecting comes with the territory! 

last spring, after a couple of months of discernment, i made the decision to leave so many things and people that i loved - and a place that i loved - to come and be with one person that i love - my grandma.  the decision itself wasn't really very difficult.  i knew that God was inviting me to make this change and i wanted to give my grandma the gift of being able to remain independent and live the life she loves in the place she loves until the end.  i didn't even know if i would find a job, or what kind of job that might be; and i was fine with that.  the hard part was breaking the news to the people around me, and then actually leaving.  i don't like goodbyes, and i had to say a LOT of them.

when i arrived, i was blessed with lots of distractions at first.  my family was visiting for most of the summer, so it felt like an extended vacation even though i was working during the day.  i got lots of snuggle time with my niece and started to slowly unpack and get settled.  then school started (that whole job thing worked out...i am now working at the school my grandma went to as a child!) and my focus shifted to doing what needed to be done there.  

grandma and i started to settle into a bit of a routine and began learning about each other in a new context - as roommates!  we agree to disagree sometimes.  she likes her veggies mushy; i like mine crisp.  she believes in eating food after the expiration date has passed; i don't.  i believe in trying to eat organic whenever possible; she thinks it's silly.  i like using regular large kitchen trash bags; she prefers re-using plastic grocery bags (but seriously...i use reusable bags at the grocery store - i refuse to get plastic bags to use them for trash bags!)...you get the picture.  grandma thinks it's silly that sometimes at the end of a long day, i need a glass of wine or an ice cream bar.  i think it's silly that she feels the need to stop at big lots after daily Mass to buy cheese puffs.  she drives me crazy by putting the volume on the TV up to 60.  i drive her crazy forgetting to move pans off the burners on the stove because i'm used to a gas stove and hers is electric and they stay hot for a long time after you turn them off.

but for better or for worse, we are taking care of each other.  i tell her all the time that i am supposed to be here to help her, but i feel like she's frequently the one doing the helping.  i do the grocery shopping and most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. but frequently i come home from school and she has spent the day cracking walnuts or harvesting the garden.  i find myself constantly trying to balance caring for her and encouraging her independence, since i know how much she cherishes it, and it is slowly slipping through her fingers.  i am her advocate when we go to her doctor's appointments.  she is a listening ear and source of wisdom when the crazies show themselves at school.  we eat dinner together, watch wheel of fortune and jeopardy together, usually go to Mass together.  but we have our alone time as well; she plays free cell on the computer while i watch my shows on dvr.  i do school work while she reads the sunday paper.  we are more or less in sync.

the biggest struggle for me now is constantly reminding myself that she is the reason i made this move, and that she is my top priority.  school has started to seep its way into every moment of every day, every breath that i breathe.  old habits of working late have started to pop up here and there.  i feel so guilty when i call saying i'm going to be late for dinner.  but it's so hard because the work has to get done.  i don't want to get so behind at school that i am stressed out and begrudging grandma the time i spend with her.  balanced.  such a simple idea, but such a complex state of being. 

people are always talking about the importance of the present moment.  while i know what they mean, i also find the present moment to be stressful.  to me, it's sometimes more helpful to look back.  that perspective, and being able to see in hindsight God's divine plan for your life, are crucial to being able to believe that this too shall pass, and to trust that every chapter has its own meaning and its own gifts.  looking ahead can be just as valuable.  for me, it was one of the things that made it so easy for me to make this move.  i know that 20 years from now, i will be so very glad that i had this time with my grandma.  i know that i would never be able to forgive myself if i could have come here but didn't because i loved my life too much as it was and didn't trust that there is a plan greater than mine for my life.  

i am so grateful for this time, and not knowing how long it will last makes me that much more grateful.  we are making memories.  i will never forget when we walked (grandma rode in the wheelchair) down the road to watch the sunset over the water.  or when we laid in the hammock and talked about life.  or when we played pitch.  or when we went canoeing.  or when we played bingo.  or when we tried every church in the county because i needed to find the one that felt like home to me and grandma said, "i don't care where i go to church; Jesus is there, no matter what!"  God bless her.  

thank you, Lord, for sprinkling grace throughout change.  for the grace to make life-altering decisions.  for the grace to say difficult goodbyes.  for the grace to begin again.  for the grace to see your grace in it all.  amen.