letting go and letting God

i went on a retreat in college with this theme.  it was a much-needed message to me at that point in my life, and unfortunately, if i'm honest with myself, , it is a message i still need to hear, over and over again.  you see, i am by nature a control freak.  this whole notion of going with the flow, letting God work in God's mysterious ways, and letting things unfold naturally is one that is not only foreign to me, but one that i just really struggle with.  the irony of this is that over and over again in my life, things unfold more perfectly than i ever could have planned or my great plan ends disastrously, proving that God is indeed worthy of my trust and that my perceived notions of control are actually quite ridiculous, because even when i think i'm in control, there's always so much that is beyond my reach.  as you can imagine, this is definitely a challenge in my professional life, where i'm in a position of leadership and perceived control, and then even more so in my personal life.  the latest example of this is my sister's recent wedding.


although my sister and i have a lot in common, we are by nature very different people.  she is creative, artistic, spatial, and a dreamer.  i am concrete, logistical, a planner and a worrier.  so when i arrived less than a week before the wedding, there was a clear vision of the spirit and ambiance she wanted to be present on her special day, but not exactly a clear plan of how we were going to get there.  we sat down, created a spreadsheet, timelines for each day, and to-do lists galore.  i was feeling pretty darn great.

well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans.  flights started getting cancelled and postponed, people were nowhere to be found when they were needed, and things rapidly began to spiral out of anyone's control.  meanwhile, my sister just smiled, laughed, and embraced the beauty that was all the people she loves together in one place, finally.  she didn't get caught up in the details or the imperfections or the little bumps in the plan.  she was the epitome of a grace-filled bride.


and guess what?  it all came together.  it was beautiful.  it was better than we ever could have planned.


i still have a lot to learn.

appreciating the "other" (even when it seems impossible)

i think God has been challenging me lately and i have a feeling it's leading somewhere, but i have no idea where.  when i first moved up north, one of my greatest joys was the realization that there are people in this world like me.  for most of my life growing up, i was surrounded by very conservative, very republican, very christian people.  i loved these people (and still do), but they constantly challenged me.  "how can you be catholic and a democrat?"  "if you're really a christian, you must believe everything the bible says exactly as it says it."  i was perpetually frustrated by a focus on a few isolated topics/issues, and what seemed like a very narrow worldview that limited me, limited thinking, and limited God.  thankfully, i was raised by parents who encouraged me to use my brain and my heart and my soul to seek truth and find my path and follow it in an authentic way.  and thankfully, in the sacrament of reconciliation one day in college, the priest encouraged me to learn more about the jesuits.  he told me i had a very "jesuit" way of thinking about things.  i had no idea what that meant at the time, but then i moved up north, found the jesuits, and found what felt like home - people who seemed a lot more open-minded, accepting, welcoming, loving.  i found an amazing church with a pastor who radiates jesus' greatest commandment: "love one another."  i have found that my mind, my heart, and my worldview have expanded immensely.  the danger here is that i have forgotten that feeling of being challenged by the other - by different approaches to faith, people, world.  i have grown comfortable in my safe haven of like-minded people.  two events recently occurred that shook me up a bit and served as probably necessary reality checks.

1.  i went to a different church with a friend of mine.  when i say different, i mean sooooo different.  i immediately didn't like it and didn't feel comfortable there.  it felt stiff, rigid, ultra-traditional.  for the first time in a long time (maybe ever), i really felt out of place in church.  sure, i've disagreed with a homily here or there, been less than impressed with the music selections, and dismayed by the lack of life in what seems to me should always be a tremendous celebration, but this was different from any of those other experiences.  i realized for the first time what i've heard people say often - that they don't go to church because they just feel judged and unwelcome.  but as i was sitting there, counting the minutes until i could leave, it hit me that i was now being close-minded and stuck-up, thinking my way was the only way.  it hit me that although this church didn't work for me, it clearly does work for many, and Jesus says, "in my father's house there are many dwelling places."  there is beauty in our diverse approaches to faith and religion, and it is beautiful that there is room for so many different approaches even within one religion.  most beautiful of all, God is so much bigger than any one approach, than any one way, than any one religion.  and in the end, it's not about me.  yikes!  quite a little dose of humble pie.

2.  my church has received some really negative publicity lately over a very controversial topic: homosexuality.  no, the priest isn't gay.  no, the church isn't encouraging people to be gay.  no, the church isn't speaking out against the institutional Church's teachings.  they just tried to have a Mass with the "All are Welcome" theme, to affirm the diversity that is our community of believers, including a substantial number of gay people.  some people who do not go to my church, who apparently disagree wholeheartedly that there is a place for everyone in our church, had a lot of hateful things to say about this, including some people in my personal and professional life who are good people, but really see this issue differently.  for me, it really comes down to the simple truth that Jesus accepted everyone; he shared meals with sinners and when he died, he died for all of us.  if he were here today, i am pretty sure he would not be closing the church doors to certain people or denying communion to certain people.  i believe my priest is doing what Jesus would do, and encouraging all of us to live Jesus' commandment to love one another.  in fact, i think if more priests were like him, our institutional Church would not have to be spending millions of dollars on a marketing campaign to get people to "come home."  of course, i have to remind myself that Jesus' commandment includes all "others", even the ones that i really struggle and disagree with.  


the challenge here for me is always to stay somewhat uncomfortable, to never be too set in my ways to appreciate other ways, and to find ways to have healthy conversations with those who disagree with me and preach the Gospel with my words and actions in ways that are life-giving and encouraging others to do the same.  this requires a LOT of grace at times, so holy spirit, please be with me - and others who are experiencing similar struggles!