a community i didn't know i was seeking

i just got back from an amazing retreat.  i felt kind of weird initially, calling it a retreat, because it wasn't religious at all.  to me, retreats are innately religious, or at the very least, spiritual.  this retreat was professional.  not just educators from catholic schools, but educators from all kinds of schools.  it was somewhat terrifying for me initially.  as i drove there, my stomach was in knots.  what if i wasn't good enough/adequate/comparable to everyone else?  (somehow it always comes back to those feelings of insecurity and self-doubt)

somehow, something almost magical happened, almost instantly.  23 strangers chose to drop their guard and be real.  we chose to say yes, to commit to take risks and to be present.

it was beautiful.

all day friday we did acting/storytelling.  you wanna talk about taking risks.  geez.  i have no problem making a fool out of myself in front of kids, but peers?  that's a whole different ballgame.  we're talking major vulnerability.  but somehow, throughout the day's activities, we journeyed together as a group.  i can honestly say that i am not the same person now that i was before the day started.

we had conversations of great depth about our fears, our struggles, our needs, our failures.  we gave each other feedback and reflected each other's strengths back - something people don't do often enough in life.  seriously.  how many times in the last year can you say that someone honestly told you in a specific and meaningful way what they see in you that makes you good at what you do?

this is quite possibly the most authentic group of people i've ever been with.  i am so excited for the coming year as we continue to journey together as leaders, but just as importantly, as human beings.  sometimes in my work i feel like i'm having to jump off a really high diving board and i don't know if the pool below is full of water or not.  these people make me feel like there is plenty of water and the worst that can happen is i'll make a little splash.  thank you, God, for this incredible experience.

when will i learn?

i feel like i am one step forward, two steps back these days.  just when i feel like i'm getting somewhere, finally growing in awareness/consciousness/intention, i end up back where i started.  i received the sacrament of reconciliation one night this week.  as i was sitting there, confessing my sins, i started to have deja vu.  everything i was confessing i believe i've confessed before.  why is it that i can't seem to learn my lesson and move on?  

then i started to feel like a big hypocrite, because whenever i'm meeting with a student about something related to discipline and they say they're sorry, i always say, "well remember, the way we'll know you're really sorry is that your behavior will change and you won't do this again."  yet, here i am, doing these same things over and over again.  and you know what?  it's not that i'm not sorry.  i can honestly say that i may not be good at a lot of things, but confession is something i do really well.  wholeheartedly.  usually tears are flowing.  must be that catholic guilt or something.  but i am very sorry.  and yet...

father told me to be more gentle with myself.  he said it's a process and that i need to remember i'm not alone.  

lord, help me through this process of becoming who i want to be and who you want me to be.