grace in discernment

all of you who are actually reading this blog know that i am yet again in a discernment process- this time as i attempt to discern where God wants me to be next year.  i have begun the process of applying for jobs, interviewing, etc.  last night, right before going to bed, i checked my email one last time and received my first "rejection."  i use that word because it's the one generally used in scenarios like this one, but i really don't see it this way.  the sheer fact that i didn't cry when i read the words tells me that i've come a long way in the past few years.  

of course it's disappointing to hear that you are no longer wanted somewhere, but if i were to focus on that, i would be ignoring the fact that from the very beginning, i felt pretty strongly that this particular school was not the one for me.  in fact, i almost didn't even apply.  i sent it in at the last minute, on a whim, and decided i had nothing to lose.  then i was asked to do a phone interview.  i hated every minute of that and felt certain that the process would end there.  then i was asked to come in for a live interview.  i felt confident about the questions i was asked and how i responded to them, but never got that feeling of this is where i belong- this is where i want to be.  i believe that i will have that feeling with the right place; it will feel like a good fit- a place where my gifts can be used to serve and a place where my service will bring me joy.

parker palmer, in his short but amazing book, Let Your Life Speak, talks about "way closing" and "way opening."  the traditional quaker way is to focus on "way opening" in an attempt to discern where God is leading us in life, but palmer stresses that for some, paying attention to the "way closings" can be just as meaningful and valuable.  i think for me, that has to be the first step.  i have to be able to come to terms with "way closed" and see it in a positive light- a compass offering me guidance, if you will- before i can necessarily see any "way openings." 

joan chittister, in her book, Called to Question, also emphasizes the importance of life's closed doors.  she says that no one ever promised that life, particularly the lives of Jesus' followers, would be easy.  she emphasizes the importance of the little crosses that we bear in our daily lives.  in her eyes, "it is the cross that teaches us hope.  when we have survived our own cross, risen alive from the grave of despair, we begin to know that we can survive again and again and again, whatever life sends us in the future."

in general, i don't do well with the "in between times"- times of transition and uncertainty.  i like to know what's coming next- or at least have an idea.  of course we never truly know, and i can handle that- i try to always be open-minded to "the more" that God may have planned in a given person or situation- but this really having no idea- that's hard.  it's helpful to me to think about other times in my life when i really haven't known what the future held.  guess what?  it was always better than i could have planned or imagined.  

lord, i believe.  help my unbelief.  (mark 9:24)