to live by grace

"to live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark.  in admitting my shadow side i learn who i am and what God's grace means."

-brennan manning

my parish bulletin published an article about this guy and his book, all is grace, this week.  i haven't read the book yet, but i really want to after reading this article.  this guy sounds like he gets it.  his main message is this:  God loves you as you are, not as you should be.  that word "should" is so tricky.  it is such a little word and yet, it has so many connotations for expectations and generalizations and judgments and leaves very little room for loving, which is what God is all about.  at least, in my eyes.

we need grace to be able to stop with the "shoulds" and focus on loving more completely, more freely.  life isn't always pretty.  and it doesn't always make sense.  and the same can certainly be said about faith and jesus and christianity.  i mean, it's all pretty crazy - the story of the prodigal son, the savior of the world fulfilling a dying criminal's request as he breathes his own last breath, this whole idea of loving one's enemies - a totally backwards, totally upside-down, totally revolutionary approach to life.  and yet, this messiness changed the world.  it is the stuff we claim to believe, claim as most important and most valuable.  this messiness is where we become real.  it's where we let our guard down.  it's where we learn to love without counting the cost.  it's where we are able to give compassion because it has been given to us.  it's where we find the grace we need to carry on, to accept God's love for us as we are, and to attempt to love others as they are.  this messiness is beautiful.

i saw the movie, the way, recently.  it's a beautiful, messy story about a man's attempt to make a journey his son died trying to make.  along the way, he grieves for his son's life, heals the wounds in their broken relationship, and rediscovers his faith and himself.  for most people who see this movie, that is all it is.  a beautiful, messy story.  for me, it's much more than a story.  it's a road i have walked.  i don't mean that my son died - i don't even have a son.  but the path this man walked, el camino de santiago, is a path i have walked three times now.  as i was watching the movie, it was like being right there again, re-living each familiar place, each familiar character, each familiar experience.  i was overcome with emotion because my heart longs deeply to return to that place in the world where i feel God's presence so strongly and feel most myself, most at peace.  life is not making this possible for me right now; and i know in my head that the camino is nothing if it isn't a metaphor for the great journey of life, and that my journey is just here right now.  and a part of me feels sheepish and selfish for craving such an experience that could only be a luxurious dream for so many, which i have already experienced three times.  but my heart longs to be there, which tells me that i am not yet done with the camino, because i have yet to truly learn its greatest lesson: that all of its wisdom and all of its treasures are waiting to be found everywhere, if only we have the eyes to see them, and the desire to search for them.  i hope that someday when i have walked my last camino, i will feel so passionately for everyday life and God's presence in it that i will know in my heart that i don't need the camino to teach me anything else.  until that day comes, i will pray for all pilgrims on all journeys; may we realize the gifts before us each day and give back to God and to one another with generous spirits.

"we are pilgrims on a journey.  we are travelers on the road.  we are here to help each other walk the mile and bear the load."

-the servant song