two years calls for new perspective

i just realized that i have now been keeping this blog for two years.  in those two years, i've only done 57 posts.  that's pretty pathetic in the blogging world.  at the rate i'm going, it'll take me at least another year to hit my 100th post.  originally when i realized this i thought, "that'll be my new year's resolution - to blog more frequently."  but i've been thinking more about it, and i think new year's resolutions should somehow help you to be a better person.  although it's possible that blogging more frequently would, in fact, help me to be more grateful and see more grace in my life, thereby making me a better person, that wasn't my intention when i made the resolution.  and if resolutions are about anything, they should be about good intentions, right?  

so with that in mind, in 2012, i resolve to care less about what other people think and expect.  at the end of the day, trying to live this one life i've got for anyone else is a recipe for misery, and i refuse to be miserable.  (note to reader: my life's work is for others - please don't misunderstand what i mean here.  i'm not saying i want to be more selfish or less caring.  i just want to have the courage to be authentic and find joy in that authenticity.)






i resolve to really think about the motivations behind the decisions i make and not do things just because someone else is doing them or because society makes me feel like i should be doing them.  i want to do things because they bring joy to the world.  i want to say things that are true, that have meaning, that make people think, make people smile.  i want to be intentional and not just go through the motions.

i resolve to stay positive, appreciative, and hopeful - even if it seems like there is no reason to.  i resolve to find the reason, every day.  and i resolve to find a reason to smile and/or laugh, every single day.  because life is funny and humor is good for the soul.  i realized recently that i don't laugh often enough.  i started reading this book by james martin, sj (a favorite) while i was home for the holidays.  it's all about the importance of laughter in the spiritual life.  makes sense, doesn't it?  laughter --> joy --> gratitude --> God.

"Give us grace and strength to forbear and to persevere."

-Robert Louis Stevenson

thick skin requires a lot of grace!

lately, i have felt like i needed one of these in my office:

it seems like either a) i can do nothing right, or b) nobody ever has anything to say about the things i do right; but they are very eager to complain and criticize the things i do wrong.

now, if you read my last post, you know that i probably care about this more than i should.  i choose to be a part of the world of education partly because i love attempting to improve the lives of children and their families, which i believe has a ripple effect in making the world a better place.  NOT because i want to make life more difficult for anyone (contrary to popular opinion).  and as much as i do know that constructive feedback can help in the areas of self-improvement, i'm sure that i'm not alone in the fact that i don't really enjoy hearing complaint after complaint after complaint.  whether or not i should, i do take it personally.  my work is personal to me.  i put everything i have into it, and get frustrated when others disagree with my efforts or assume that no thought went into them.

i remember when i was taking graduate classes that my professors frequently said, "you can't please everybody, and if you try, you will constantly feel like a failure."  this advice has come back to me perhaps when i need it most.  as much as i would love for everyone to be happy all the time, it just isn't realistic.  that isn't my job, either.  my job is to do the best i can to advance the mission of my school, and to make sure that it is alive and well.  everything we do, every decision we make, we ask ourselves, "is this in line with our mission?"  although we occasionally mess up, and frequently make decisions that people don't agree with, i do believe we are doing the best we can do.  when i was a kid, i had sign up in my room that looked like this:

i just came across another quote that struck me in perhaps a more adult, slightly less cliche way:

"to avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."

-elbert hubbard

so here i go, off to start the new year fresh - committed to doing something, saying something, and being something - even if it means taking criticism along the way.  God, please give me the gift of thick skin so that i can handle the criticism that will inevitably come in a graceful way.

grace in IMperfection

"John the Baptist appeared in the desert proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins."

-Mark 1:4

tonight's homily hit me hard.  father john made the connection between this idea of repentance, of changing our hearts (something we usually associate with lent more readily than advent), and the disease of perfectionism.  my ears immediately perked up because i just lost someone in my life this past week partly because of my own perfectionism (there were definitely other factors as well).  funny how sometimes God has quite the sense of humor as he sends us messages exactly when we most need to hear them.


i'm sure, like anything else, there is a spectrum of perfectionism.  i'm also sure i'm not at the very end of it.  i'm also pretty sure i'm closer to one end than the other, and it's got me thinking very seriously about what lies at the heart of it all.  i'd like to think that it's about having high standards - for myself and others - driven by a determination to do the very best i can with what i've been given.  although that may be true, the not-so-pretty truth is that it also probably has a little something to do with ego.  i don't like to be wrong.  i don't like to disappoint.  ask my mom - the only imperfect mark i ever received on a report card growing up was under "accepts criticism favorably."  my teachers frequently noted that i "needed improvement" in that department because i would burst into tears at the slightest hint that i was performing at a less-than-perfect level.  i have heard that ego stands for "ease God out", and as much as i hate to admit it, i feel like there is definitely truth to it.


i've been doing a little research since i got home from mass, and here is some of what i've found so far:  wanda alger writes about the sin of perfectionism.  while i don't believe everything she believes or everything she writes, a lot of what she had to say rang true for me.  she quotes the authors of the worn-out woman, a book i have not yet read, but am adding to my list.  warning:  these words sting!


“Perfectionists strive for the unattainable. They need to be first or best and try never to make a mistake, which they see as a sign of failure and unworthiness. Because of this, perfectionists are rarely happy. They frequently slip into depression and are often disappointed. Sometimes they’re so worn out by their own expectations that they fail to do anything at all...At the heart of perfectionism is fear – fear of making a mistake and being judged, fear of failure and rejection….At an even deeper level, perfectionism reveals a lack of faith. In a sense, perfectionism is really a way of playing God with our own lives. Instead of trusting God to keep His promise to redeem us and mature us, instead of walking in obedience, we try to preempt His work and get is right without His help.” (pp. 48-49)

yikes.  back to father john.  his point (one of them, anyway) was that none of us is perfect, and God doesn't ask us to be.  God asks us to use our gifts as we are able, but most importantly, to have faith and to love.  to love is to forgive, and if we are to forgive others, we must first find a way to forgive ourselves and be okay with not being perfect.  powerful stuff.  a movie has been rewinding itself through my mind of all the times i've held grudges or haven't truly forgiven others or haven't loved them as they were but instead have been disappointed that they weren't more.  why can't they give more?  care more?  try harder?  understand better?  be more generous?  accept that they aren't always right?  at the end of the day, it probably was never about them.  it was probably me projecting my own stuff onto them.  this balance between not being so critical but maintaining high expectations and not settling for mediocrity is one that i am sure i will not achieve anytime soon.  it is an ongoing battle, and not one that i can fight alone.  the good news, of course, is that i don't have to.

"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.  Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

-Corinthians 2: 9-10