grace in IMperfection

"John the Baptist appeared in the desert proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins."

-Mark 1:4

tonight's homily hit me hard.  father john made the connection between this idea of repentance, of changing our hearts (something we usually associate with lent more readily than advent), and the disease of perfectionism.  my ears immediately perked up because i just lost someone in my life this past week partly because of my own perfectionism (there were definitely other factors as well).  funny how sometimes God has quite the sense of humor as he sends us messages exactly when we most need to hear them.


i'm sure, like anything else, there is a spectrum of perfectionism.  i'm also sure i'm not at the very end of it.  i'm also pretty sure i'm closer to one end than the other, and it's got me thinking very seriously about what lies at the heart of it all.  i'd like to think that it's about having high standards - for myself and others - driven by a determination to do the very best i can with what i've been given.  although that may be true, the not-so-pretty truth is that it also probably has a little something to do with ego.  i don't like to be wrong.  i don't like to disappoint.  ask my mom - the only imperfect mark i ever received on a report card growing up was under "accepts criticism favorably."  my teachers frequently noted that i "needed improvement" in that department because i would burst into tears at the slightest hint that i was performing at a less-than-perfect level.  i have heard that ego stands for "ease God out", and as much as i hate to admit it, i feel like there is definitely truth to it.


i've been doing a little research since i got home from mass, and here is some of what i've found so far:  wanda alger writes about the sin of perfectionism.  while i don't believe everything she believes or everything she writes, a lot of what she had to say rang true for me.  she quotes the authors of the worn-out woman, a book i have not yet read, but am adding to my list.  warning:  these words sting!


“Perfectionists strive for the unattainable. They need to be first or best and try never to make a mistake, which they see as a sign of failure and unworthiness. Because of this, perfectionists are rarely happy. They frequently slip into depression and are often disappointed. Sometimes they’re so worn out by their own expectations that they fail to do anything at all...At the heart of perfectionism is fear – fear of making a mistake and being judged, fear of failure and rejection….At an even deeper level, perfectionism reveals a lack of faith. In a sense, perfectionism is really a way of playing God with our own lives. Instead of trusting God to keep His promise to redeem us and mature us, instead of walking in obedience, we try to preempt His work and get is right without His help.” (pp. 48-49)

yikes.  back to father john.  his point (one of them, anyway) was that none of us is perfect, and God doesn't ask us to be.  God asks us to use our gifts as we are able, but most importantly, to have faith and to love.  to love is to forgive, and if we are to forgive others, we must first find a way to forgive ourselves and be okay with not being perfect.  powerful stuff.  a movie has been rewinding itself through my mind of all the times i've held grudges or haven't truly forgiven others or haven't loved them as they were but instead have been disappointed that they weren't more.  why can't they give more?  care more?  try harder?  understand better?  be more generous?  accept that they aren't always right?  at the end of the day, it probably was never about them.  it was probably me projecting my own stuff onto them.  this balance between not being so critical but maintaining high expectations and not settling for mediocrity is one that i am sure i will not achieve anytime soon.  it is an ongoing battle, and not one that i can fight alone.  the good news, of course, is that i don't have to.

"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.' I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.  Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

-Corinthians 2: 9-10