grace in clarity and conviction

clarity, n. - a state of clear understanding; freedom from ambiguity
conviction, n. - a state of firmly believing in something


these are the two words that best describe what has been stirring in me lately.  i think over the past year or so, God has been teaching me a lot about what i really want and what really matters, particularly when it comes to my future husband and the life we will share together.  i didn't have a vision, i wasn't visited by an angel...nothing as dramatic as that.  more like a multitude of small experiences and moments that have really helped me to focus and know.  married friends experiencing really tough stuff.  my paternal grandmother's illness and death.  a relationship that just wouldn't work, no matter how badly i wanted to make it work.  teaching a class of middle school girls about life, love, virtue, and relationships.  here is some of what i've learned and come to believe.


1.  i can be materialistic sometimes.  i dream a lot about things i don't have and can't afford, like an amazing wedding.  my mom always jokes that she hopes i find someone who has enough money to make all these dreams come true, but i want to marry someone who i love so much that i simply don't care about those details, because i am just so excited to be able to spend the rest of my life with him that nothing else matters.  money can disappear quickly, and then what?  i think my future husband is someone that i could see myself enjoying being poor with, because we would be rich in the things that count.

My grandparents' hands

2.  life can be really hard.  i want to marry somebody who will be there through the best of times and the worst - i'm talking the really tough stuff like cancer, injuries that change everything, mental illness, disabilities, financial crises, job loss, and yes, even death of those closest to you.  i want to marry someone who will make me feel like although it is the most painful and unbearable experience, i can survive it because he is with me through it all.


3.  it's important to be able to get each other.  lack of understanding about where the other person is coming from or what they're feeling just breeds frustration and resentment.  been there, done that.  i need to be with someone who gets that i need time and space to re-energize and who gets that my work is more than just work and that it requires a lot of extra time and energy, beyond normal working hours.  


4.  we need to be able to find that balance between challenging each other to be our best selves and loving each other as we are.  not saying this is easy, but i think this is what true love is all about, modeled after how God loves us.  that love is unconditional, and will not end because of people or circumstances changing, but because we love each other and want what's best for each other, we are constantly trying to help each other grow in virtue and grow closer to God (which can definitely be a challenge!) as we grow old together.


it's so easy to get wrapped up in all the other stuff, the stuff that doesn't really matter.  sure, i would love it if he could cook.  a sense of humor is up there on a list of great qualities.  i want my family and friends to love him and him to love them.  but at the end of the day, at least this day, these are the four things that i see as being most important.  the other thing that has been stirring in me is that i can't just sit around waiting for this future husband to show up.  it's an active waiting, much like advent.  i need to spend this time preparing myself to be a woman of virtue so that i am ready when the time is right.  thank you, God, for clarity and conviction.  keep teaching me.  i'm listening.