lent again already?

not gonna lie, it kinda seems like lent just ended, and here it is, back again.  i must be getting old, because time just seems to fly more and more quickly.

yesterday was the first time since moving here that i was able to go to my church for ash wednesday mass.  other years i've either been out of town or gone to mass at school.  it's funny, because for the first time in a long time, even though the church was totally packed (with a lot of people standing in the back), i didn't see anyone i knew.  most of my friends went to mass earlier in the day elsewhere, so for the first time in a long time, i was surrounded by strangers.  and yet...it didn't feel that way at all.  there's something about ash wednesday that levels the playing field.  nothing quite like dirt being smeared on your forehead to remind you that you have a long way to go in the journey of life, love, and all things sacred.  as i watched everyone walk up to receive their ashes, i was struck by the diversity.  there were young people, old people, pregnant women, parents with babies and small children, people in wheelchairs, a man on crutches, people who work downtown in their business attire, college kids in their sweats, homeless people...there is something about this day that calls us all back, even if we haven't been since christmas (or last easter, or last ash wednesday).  what is it?  when i think of ash wednesday and the beginning of lent, these are the words that first come to mind:

sin.  guilt.  offenses.  discouraged.  fear.  insecurity.  anxiety.  brokenness.

but of course, there is a flip side to all of these words if we dig a bit deeper:

mercy.  redemption.  simple.  healing.  reconciliation.  compassion.  forgiveness.  sacrifice.  love.

we all need to be reminded, at least once a year, of our need for God's mercy, forgiveness, and healing love.  we need to be reminded that we are not alone in our sin and guilt, but that God is always calling us to something more, always ready to wash us, heal us, mend our brokenness.

even in my short (relatively speaking) life, there have been waves of what one should do during lent.  when i was little, it was give something up.  the "something" was always something concrete, like candy or tv.  even in college, we would give up alcohol or eating out or aim or facebook.  then it became trendy to do something extra instead of giving something up.  do a good deed.  do community service.  make extra time in your daily routine for prayer.  at the end of the day, i think it's possible to go through the motions of doing these things without actually becoming a better person or growing any closer to God.  at the end of the day, it's about a conversion, a change of heart, a turning away from that which is not holy and a turning toward that which is.

yes, we should give up something.  a cup that is full to the brim can't hold anymore water, no matter how much you try.  you have to empty it a little bit in order to be able to put anything in.  our lives are the same.  if we fill up every minute of every day with stuff (working, driving around, talking on the phone, wasting time on the internet, etc.), where is God supposed to fit in?  cutting something out or giving something up empties us and leaves room for God to come in.  doing something extra is great, too, if we're not just doing it to do it, but actually making some deeper connections on the heart and spirit level.  i guess what i'm coming to realize is that it isn't so much about what we do during lent, but really it's about why we do it.  it's not about trying to jumpstart a diet or a new hobby or pastime.  it's not about following a bunch of rules or proving our endurance to ourselves or anyone else.  it's about making a change, making room, and making our way...one day at a time...back toward the one who loves us more than we could ever imagine.

follow me, i will bring you back, you will be my own, and i will be your God.
-"deep within" by david haas