inspiring grace

i've been at a conference for the last two days related to leadership for new ways of learning.  today one of the presentations was about spiritual leadership, charism, and mission.  i was inspired to do some research on my new school and its own charism when i got home, and wouldn't you know...i found so many interesting things!

1. our charism actually originates in two places.  first, with our patron saint, rose of lima, who was of the dominican order of st. cecilia.  second, with the nuns who teach in our school (who started our school) are the sisters of providence, whose foundress was st. mother theodore guerin.

2.  the characteristics of these beloved nuns and saints include:

-trust in God's loving Providence

-giving of oneself to God and others in works of love, mercy, and justice

-seeking strength in God in the face of difficulty

-reaching beyond oneself; awareness of the needs in the world

-joyful spirit

-courage; risk-taking

-love of the cross; redemption in suffering

-pride in and loyalty to community

-simplicity; detachment; poverty

3.  and i'll leave you with two inspiring quotes that i came across...

"Breaking boundaries, creating hope"

"Without the burden of afflictions, it is impossible to reach the height of grace."

grace-filled beginnings

new look for a new beginning...i love the birds!  to be perfectly honest, i've never really liked birds, but in the last month or so have had several strange encounters with them, and therefore am beginning to feel an affinity- especially toward small chickadees that seem to be able to say so much, just be tilting their heads a certain way!

so, much has happened since my last post.  the biggest news is that i am now employed!  no contract or paycheck yet, but my picture and bio were in the church bulletin last week, so that's gotta count for something, right?  :)  i am so thrilled to know that i am the new leader of a school community that undoubtedly has a great deal to teach me, but also one which my heart is burning with a desire to serve.  i already know that the road ahead is filled with challenges, but i also know that i can choose how to respond to those challenges, and that my response will affect others' responses.  there is without a doubt a need for great changes, but there is also much to celebrate and maintain.

i am many things right now- anxious, apprehensive, thrilled, excited, uncertain...but mostly grateful.  it took a long time to get to this point, which makes it all that sweeter to know that this is where i am supposed to be.  i have already been welcomed with open arms into this community, and the outgoing principal has really taken me under her wing and done her best to tell me and show me everything she can so that i don't come in blind.

i have been reading a book by henri nouwen lately called Can You Drink the Cup? and it is really challenging me to think about not only this specific ministry of school leadership that i have been called to, but the greater calling of being a christian.  it is based on the passage in the 20th chapter of the gospel according to matthew where Jesus asks James and John, "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?"  nouwen proposes three actions, the last of which is the actual drinking.  first comes holding, then lifting, and finally, drinking.  he takes these actions from what Jesus does on the night of the Last Supper.  i guess what i am most taking from this so far is how NOT easy it is to do this task that we are called to do; to drink the same cup that Jesus drank.  and knowing how challenging it can be, to make the decision and the commitment over and over again to hold, lift, and drink- is nothing short of amazing, and absolutely requires grace.

i feel a bit as if i am all over the place in this post, and i apologize.  my mind has been spinning as in the past week i have received over 30 emails from the principal i am replacing, i have spent a day with my new staff doing professional development, i have said goodbye to my old staff and mentor, finished the year at my old school, said goodbye to our beloved family dog, and attended a conference.  it's all beginning to happen so fast, and it will require a significant amount of grace from God and self-control on my part to keep it from spinning out of control before the school year even actually begins!  i am going home next week to just relax a bit and hang out with my family, so that should be a nice bridge from my life as a student to my life as a principal!  hopefully i can come back rejuvenated and ready to get to work building God's kingdom here on earth!  (what a task!)     

grace to have courage

i know God has given me some wonderful gifts, and i say that with a humble heart, but y'all- courage was not one of them.  in fact, you may as well just call me the cowardly lion.  we even both have curly hair.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately, and wishing i were braver, more courageous, more willing to do what needs to be done, no matter the consequence.  but i just think too much.  i weigh the options- and the consequences- and i get scared and nervous and talk myself out of it- whatever "it" is.  i wish i could think of a specific example, but it's not so much the big things as the little ones- the person who just needs to hear the truth, but you really don't want to be the one to tell them- the little change you could make in your life that might have a great impact, but you can't bring yourself to do it- the will to keep believing in the good when it seems like everywhere you turn, there is bad. 

i've been reading the help lately, kathryn stockett's first novel.  i love it, but i am warning all of you out there that are dealing with sadness in your lives- don't read it.  not yet.  there's a lot of sadness in this book.  that being said, some of the characters in this book are the most courageous women i've ever met.  okay, so technically i haven't actually met them, but you know what i mean.  it takes place in the 1960s in jackson, mississippi, and it is the story of the black women who go to work everyday for white women, cleaning their houses and raising their children.  beyond that, it is the story of them staring danger, violence, and even death in the face and refusing to be scared.  or maybe it's not so much that they're not scared, but rather that they are so tired of being silent and letting things go unquestioned that they suck up the fear and do what they think needs to be done- not as much for them as for their own children.  i read about these women and think about all of the people in this world throughout history who have had courage i dare not even dream of, and i am just in awe. 

i know the bible says to "be not afraid" and "be of good courage", and in my head, it makes sense that i have nothing to fear because God is walking beside me always and God's strength is my strength, but...but...

my dear friend kim was watching oprah not long ago and sent me this quote that she said: "i believe we're born into this world trailing grace."  i have been thinking about it ever since, knowing that i would eventually write about it.  i don't know what oprah meant by it, but to me, it means one of two things.  either grace is always just beyond us, something we can only dream of catching up with on our best days...or it's paving the way, giving us direction, beckoning us forward, and leaving traces of itself behind for us, to help us when we need it most.  i choose to believe the latter, which means there is always hope- and maybe tomorrow will bring with it just a little bit more courage than today.

grace in tears

i used to cry.  all the time.  in fact, i would go so far as to say i was known for crying at the drop of a hat.  people used to give me a really hard time for being so sensitive.  i saw it as a curse that i felt things so deeply that my body was actually moved to tears.  several years ago, i made up my mind to change.  to harden.  to de-sensitize.  i didn't cry for a very long time.  it worked so well that even when i wanted to cry to show my sadness, i couldn't.  i don't remember exactly when i got my tears back, but it was shortly after moving to boston.  one day, the floods just came.  and they kept coming.  they especially like to come in public places like movie theatres and churches.  i respond to them differently now, though.  i appreciate them.  i realize that they are simply an outward symbol of the internal compassion i am able to feel for those who experience suffering.  my meditation class this semester has helped me to have a new perspective on what compassion really means- to suffer with someone.  not just to feel sorry for them.  not just to say a prayer and move on.  not to tell them it'll be okay and numb yourself.  but to really feel, in your own way, what they are feeling.  

unfortunately, i have had several occasions recently that have moved me to tears.  not just a little trickle down the cheek, but sobbing that doesn't stop until you realize you can't breathe and there is no saline left in your body.  i weep because i wish that it weren't so.  i weep because dear friends of mine have to endure such pain and loss, and there is nothing i can do to help.  i weep because life is too short.  maybe i hope that in some tiny way, my willingness to feel the pain will take away a tiny fraction of theirs- lighten their load, even to the slightest degree.  

i have always been fascinated by the wailing wall, a most holy and sacred place in jerusalem where jewish people (and others) go to pray.  it is customary to slip a note with a written prayer into a crevice along the wall.  in The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, one of my favorite books, one of the characters, May, builds her own wailing wall in the backyard as a way of coping with the pain she deeply feels for everyone who suffers.  any time she hears something on the news or in a conversation, she writes it on a piece of paper and goes and sticks it in the wall with tears streaming down her face.  in the end, she cannot cope with all of the pain and suffering that she bears on behalf of the world.  who possibly could?  the lesson i learned from her, though, is the importance of feeling, and not trying to hide your feelings or reject them, but letting them live themselves out.  i have been reading Plan B by Anne Lamott lately.  she says at one point that holding your breath is the ultimate withholding, because you aren't taking anything in or letting anything out.  for me, trying not to cry feels like i am withholding myself- some core part of who i am and a gift i have been given.  i can't do it and talk about living an authentic life.  i have to let the rivers flow, feel the sorrow, and breathe.  thank you, God, for the grace to feel, to cry, and to know that it's okay (john 11:35). 

grace in angels

so...my last post was about the power of prayer, and i haven't posted in the last few days because although i absolutely believe in the power of prayer, sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to.  i did the last post on friday, and sometime during the night, my best friend kim spiked a fever and acquired an infection that sent them into the hospital.  if you want to read the story, you can at her blog, but i will just say that after a grueling labor and delivery, little tobias joseph was born silently that evening.  my heart just breaks for them, having only an inkling of the emotional weight they must be carrying after losing their sweet boy- only compounded by the grief resurfacing from the loss of their first child, sweet natalie claire.  

i came across a painting called "tobias and the angel" that i wanted to share with you.  all afternoon on saturday, as kim was in labor, i was praying for tobias' angels to surround and protect him.  i know one of those angels is his big sister, and i believe another is our mutual friend becky, who died from a brain tumor exactly six years ago to the day- may 1, 2004.  in the bible, tobias is guarded by the archangel raphael.  

angels are something i went through a brief obsession with earlier in life (middle school, i think it was), but haven't thought much about recently.  i can never remember what the church officially says about them and how they rank, but honestly, i don't really care.  to me, they are the connection between heaven and earth.  my mom's always been fond of angels and i can't help but think that it's just something you need for your own sanity when you become a mom- to believe that there are angels watching over your children when they aren't with you (even when they are).  imagining sweet toby surrounded by angels and saints and Jesus and his heavenly mother, Mary is one of the only things that brings me any consolation; i hope it helps kim too, although i'm sure she would give anything to have both of her children here with her, like it should be.

yesterday i was having a rough day, finding it really hard to focus on my work and think about anything other than my dear friend and her suffering.  i was feeling horrible that i live so far away and can't be there to do all of the things that i know other people are doing- cooking meals, cleaning house, running errands- the distance makes me feel helpless.  i know she understands and wants me to be where i am supposed to be, but times like this make it tough.  i know that praying and spreading the word so that others can pray is one important thing i can do, and i have been trying to do it as best i can.  i really was just longing to be able to do something to help, though.  then, last night, i was sitting on the front porch talking to my mom on the phone when a sweet old golden retriever strolled down the street, up our walk, and laid down next to me on the porch.  she was beautiful, but you could tell by the white around her face and her trouble getting up the stairs that she was old.  i told my mom i had to go and just sat there, petting the dog.  it was already a special moment, but then i looked at the tags and saw that her name was "angel."  i just started crying as i was talking to my sweet angel and trying to comfort her and make her feel welcome when clearly she was lost.  it hit me that she was here so that i could do something and be helpful.  she needed me to give her some love and then walk her home.  and i needed to be able to do something- technically for the dog, but it was my love for kim, brandon, and toby that i was pouring our onto this four-legged friend.  

angels come in all forms.  i know some of you reading this blog don't like animals, but i'm telling you, i believe with all my heart that that dog was sent to me from above- my angel.  kim and brandon, know that i am sending you all the love in the world with every thought and prayer and wishing it weren't so.  toby, i know you miss your parents, but your sister will take good care of you and both of you can look out for your mommy and daddy until the glorious day many years from now when you will all be reunited again.

"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."

-Hebrews 13:2

grace in prayer

the sweetest thing happened to me today.  i was at school and one of the first grade teachers said, "miss keeton, we have to tell you something!"  i quickly went over and the class told me that they had been praying for me- not just to find a job, but to find a "GREAT" job!  the teacher clarified that what they meant by that was, "a job that's close, that pays a lot of money, and that will make me very happy."  one little boy shouted out, "i even pray for you at home at night, before i go to bed!"  how adorable is that?  i almost started crying right there.  i mean, i feel like God listens to kids.  i know, God listens to everyone.  but for sure kids.  this job search has been quite the process and i am really starting to grow weary of it, so i look forward to that call, so i can tell those first graders how God answered their prayers (and mine!).  this picture isn't of them, but i thought it was a nice (albeit old school) image of kids praying in school.

beyond my own situation, prayer has played a big part in the life of my best friend from college recently as well.  she has been on bed rest for the last five weeks now, trying her best to do everything in her power to protect her little baby boy, who is growing inside her.  she is amazing and i have so much admiration for her.  throughout all of this, she has not complained or anything- she just wants her baby to be okay.  she truly believes that he still is growing and has a strong heartbeat because of all of the prayers that her friends, family, and even strangers who have read her blog, are saying for her and her husband and their little one.  the faith that is getting her through this is truly remarkable, considering that last year she lost her first child, a baby girl, without being able to carry her to term.  i have to say that this whole situation, which has defied the odds to an incredible extent, renews my faith daily.  truly it is faith, hope, and love that are keeping this fragile life safe and healthy.

they say good things come in threes...my family's friend who has had major heart issues, is only 20 years old, and has a 1 year old baby girl, received a new heart yesterday, after many people's many prayers!  i am happy to report that she is doing okay, and so far, no sign of rejection.   keep those prayers coming!  God is good.  no wait, God is GREAT!

grace in little people

soooo...yesterday was a great day.  for a lot of reasons.  the most prominent being that i passed my comprehensive exams for my program, which officially means i can graduate.  while i studied a lot for them and fully expected to pass them, i think i had a pretty healthy anxiety about the whole situation, knowing that at least one of the professors would not just see this as a formality, but would really make me work for that little piece of paper.  let's just say...i was glad i prepared! 

it was such a relief to get them over with, and then i was so happy because i got to spend the rest of the night with two of my favorite little people.  when i got there to babysit (aka hang out), there were beautiful tulips on the table, and my little "almost four"-year-old friend had made some downright adorable cards.  i walked in to hear, "caitlin, your favorite colors are yellow and purple, right?"  even if i hated yellow and purple, i couldn't have said anything other than yes! 

later that evening, we were putting together a big floor puzzle about the human body and i asked him what his favorite body part was (dangerous question, i realize in hindsight!).  his response:  "the small intestine!"  duh.  who doesn't love the small intestine?  this kid is just amazing.  i can only hope that i have one as great as him someday.  i was just thinking how cool it has been to watch him grow up.  i got to hold him when he was just about a week old, and here he is in preschool, teaching me about the digestive system! 

there is something so magical and mystical and spiritual and life-giving about early childhood.  i used to think that preschool teachers were saints and couldn't imagine how they dealt with accidents and the incessant questions.   i'm starting to think they have the best job out there.  it's like being surrounded by pure excitement ALL the time.  everything is new and filled with wonder, waiting to be explored. (okay, i'm probably idealizing it just a bit.)

god, give me the eyes of a three-year-old so that i can see your glory in everything i encounter!