lent again already?

not gonna lie, it kinda seems like lent just ended, and here it is, back again.  i must be getting old, because time just seems to fly more and more quickly.

yesterday was the first time since moving here that i was able to go to my church for ash wednesday mass.  other years i've either been out of town or gone to mass at school.  it's funny, because for the first time in a long time, even though the church was totally packed (with a lot of people standing in the back), i didn't see anyone i knew.  most of my friends went to mass earlier in the day elsewhere, so for the first time in a long time, i was surrounded by strangers.  and yet...it didn't feel that way at all.  there's something about ash wednesday that levels the playing field.  nothing quite like dirt being smeared on your forehead to remind you that you have a long way to go in the journey of life, love, and all things sacred.  as i watched everyone walk up to receive their ashes, i was struck by the diversity.  there were young people, old people, pregnant women, parents with babies and small children, people in wheelchairs, a man on crutches, people who work downtown in their business attire, college kids in their sweats, homeless people...there is something about this day that calls us all back, even if we haven't been since christmas (or last easter, or last ash wednesday).  what is it?  when i think of ash wednesday and the beginning of lent, these are the words that first come to mind:

sin.  guilt.  offenses.  discouraged.  fear.  insecurity.  anxiety.  brokenness.

but of course, there is a flip side to all of these words if we dig a bit deeper:

mercy.  redemption.  simple.  healing.  reconciliation.  compassion.  forgiveness.  sacrifice.  love.

we all need to be reminded, at least once a year, of our need for God's mercy, forgiveness, and healing love.  we need to be reminded that we are not alone in our sin and guilt, but that God is always calling us to something more, always ready to wash us, heal us, mend our brokenness.

even in my short (relatively speaking) life, there have been waves of what one should do during lent.  when i was little, it was give something up.  the "something" was always something concrete, like candy or tv.  even in college, we would give up alcohol or eating out or aim or facebook.  then it became trendy to do something extra instead of giving something up.  do a good deed.  do community service.  make extra time in your daily routine for prayer.  at the end of the day, i think it's possible to go through the motions of doing these things without actually becoming a better person or growing any closer to God.  at the end of the day, it's about a conversion, a change of heart, a turning away from that which is not holy and a turning toward that which is.

yes, we should give up something.  a cup that is full to the brim can't hold anymore water, no matter how much you try.  you have to empty it a little bit in order to be able to put anything in.  our lives are the same.  if we fill up every minute of every day with stuff (working, driving around, talking on the phone, wasting time on the internet, etc.), where is God supposed to fit in?  cutting something out or giving something up empties us and leaves room for God to come in.  doing something extra is great, too, if we're not just doing it to do it, but actually making some deeper connections on the heart and spirit level.  i guess what i'm coming to realize is that it isn't so much about what we do during lent, but really it's about why we do it.  it's not about trying to jumpstart a diet or a new hobby or pastime.  it's not about following a bunch of rules or proving our endurance to ourselves or anyone else.  it's about making a change, making room, and making our way...one day at a time...back toward the one who loves us more than we could ever imagine.

follow me, i will bring you back, you will be my own, and i will be your God.
-"deep within" by david haas

grace in clarity and conviction

clarity, n. - a state of clear understanding; freedom from ambiguity
conviction, n. - a state of firmly believing in something


these are the two words that best describe what has been stirring in me lately.  i think over the past year or so, God has been teaching me a lot about what i really want and what really matters, particularly when it comes to my future husband and the life we will share together.  i didn't have a vision, i wasn't visited by an angel...nothing as dramatic as that.  more like a multitude of small experiences and moments that have really helped me to focus and know.  married friends experiencing really tough stuff.  my paternal grandmother's illness and death.  a relationship that just wouldn't work, no matter how badly i wanted to make it work.  teaching a class of middle school girls about life, love, virtue, and relationships.  here is some of what i've learned and come to believe.


1.  i can be materialistic sometimes.  i dream a lot about things i don't have and can't afford, like an amazing wedding.  my mom always jokes that she hopes i find someone who has enough money to make all these dreams come true, but i want to marry someone who i love so much that i simply don't care about those details, because i am just so excited to be able to spend the rest of my life with him that nothing else matters.  money can disappear quickly, and then what?  i think my future husband is someone that i could see myself enjoying being poor with, because we would be rich in the things that count.

My grandparents' hands

2.  life can be really hard.  i want to marry somebody who will be there through the best of times and the worst - i'm talking the really tough stuff like cancer, injuries that change everything, mental illness, disabilities, financial crises, job loss, and yes, even death of those closest to you.  i want to marry someone who will make me feel like although it is the most painful and unbearable experience, i can survive it because he is with me through it all.


3.  it's important to be able to get each other.  lack of understanding about where the other person is coming from or what they're feeling just breeds frustration and resentment.  been there, done that.  i need to be with someone who gets that i need time and space to re-energize and who gets that my work is more than just work and that it requires a lot of extra time and energy, beyond normal working hours.  


4.  we need to be able to find that balance between challenging each other to be our best selves and loving each other as we are.  not saying this is easy, but i think this is what true love is all about, modeled after how God loves us.  that love is unconditional, and will not end because of people or circumstances changing, but because we love each other and want what's best for each other, we are constantly trying to help each other grow in virtue and grow closer to God (which can definitely be a challenge!) as we grow old together.


it's so easy to get wrapped up in all the other stuff, the stuff that doesn't really matter.  sure, i would love it if he could cook.  a sense of humor is up there on a list of great qualities.  i want my family and friends to love him and him to love them.  but at the end of the day, at least this day, these are the four things that i see as being most important.  the other thing that has been stirring in me is that i can't just sit around waiting for this future husband to show up.  it's an active waiting, much like advent.  i need to spend this time preparing myself to be a woman of virtue so that i am ready when the time is right.  thank you, God, for clarity and conviction.  keep teaching me.  i'm listening.

prayers, please.

i don't often use this blog as a place to post prayer requests, but there is a very important one right now that needs the hearts of as many people as possible to speak it.  my dear friend kim, her husband brandon, and their son vincent are in the hospital.  


kim has given birth to two silent babies, natalie and tobias.  now she is 19 weeks pregnant with vincent and there is reason to be concerned because she experienced some bleeding and so they are carefully monitoring her on the high risk pregnancy floor and keeping her inverted so as to take the pressure off her cervix and hopefully keep little vincent cooking inside for many more weeks.


i ask for your prayers for baby vincent, that his brother and sister who are in heaven with God will keep careful watch over him and help him continue to grow inside his mommy's womb.  i ask for your prayers for kim, that her faith and hope and knowledge of vincent's well-being will be enough to keep her spirits high during what is sure to be a long journey ahead.  i ask for your prayers for brandon, that he may rest in the strength of his heavenly father when he feels tired and weak from carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders on behalf of his family.  i ask for your prayers for this sweet, sweet family that has experienced tremendous loss and suffering and needs to be able to hold their sweet, healthy, full-term baby in their arms.  loving God, please give kim and brandon the grace of mary and joseph, who also experienced immense challenges and suffering in their journey as parents, but who never lost faith.


He approached, grasped her hand, and helped her up.  
(From today's Gospel, Mark 1:31)


Loving God, do for Kim, Brandon, and Vincent what you did for Simeon's mother-in-law.  Be near them, hold their hands, and help them up.