grace through change

i can't believe it's been six months since i've posted.  there have been many moments when i've thought to myself, "i should blog about that."  but it just hasn't happened.  what has happened is a lot of change!  in the last six months i have moved.  i have changed jobs.  i have changed living environments.  and i think today is the first chance i've really had to step back from it all and reflect on it well enough to write about it.  i'm on retreat (surprise, surprise), so the reflecting comes with the territory! 

last spring, after a couple of months of discernment, i made the decision to leave so many things and people that i loved - and a place that i loved - to come and be with one person that i love - my grandma.  the decision itself wasn't really very difficult.  i knew that God was inviting me to make this change and i wanted to give my grandma the gift of being able to remain independent and live the life she loves in the place she loves until the end.  i didn't even know if i would find a job, or what kind of job that might be; and i was fine with that.  the hard part was breaking the news to the people around me, and then actually leaving.  i don't like goodbyes, and i had to say a LOT of them.

when i arrived, i was blessed with lots of distractions at first.  my family was visiting for most of the summer, so it felt like an extended vacation even though i was working during the day.  i got lots of snuggle time with my niece and started to slowly unpack and get settled.  then school started (that whole job thing worked out...i am now working at the school my grandma went to as a child!) and my focus shifted to doing what needed to be done there.  

grandma and i started to settle into a bit of a routine and began learning about each other in a new context - as roommates!  we agree to disagree sometimes.  she likes her veggies mushy; i like mine crisp.  she believes in eating food after the expiration date has passed; i don't.  i believe in trying to eat organic whenever possible; she thinks it's silly.  i like using regular large kitchen trash bags; she prefers re-using plastic grocery bags (but seriously...i use reusable bags at the grocery store - i refuse to get plastic bags to use them for trash bags!)...you get the picture.  grandma thinks it's silly that sometimes at the end of a long day, i need a glass of wine or an ice cream bar.  i think it's silly that she feels the need to stop at big lots after daily Mass to buy cheese puffs.  she drives me crazy by putting the volume on the TV up to 60.  i drive her crazy forgetting to move pans off the burners on the stove because i'm used to a gas stove and hers is electric and they stay hot for a long time after you turn them off.

but for better or for worse, we are taking care of each other.  i tell her all the time that i am supposed to be here to help her, but i feel like she's frequently the one doing the helping.  i do the grocery shopping and most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. but frequently i come home from school and she has spent the day cracking walnuts or harvesting the garden.  i find myself constantly trying to balance caring for her and encouraging her independence, since i know how much she cherishes it, and it is slowly slipping through her fingers.  i am her advocate when we go to her doctor's appointments.  she is a listening ear and source of wisdom when the crazies show themselves at school.  we eat dinner together, watch wheel of fortune and jeopardy together, usually go to Mass together.  but we have our alone time as well; she plays free cell on the computer while i watch my shows on dvr.  i do school work while she reads the sunday paper.  we are more or less in sync.

the biggest struggle for me now is constantly reminding myself that she is the reason i made this move, and that she is my top priority.  school has started to seep its way into every moment of every day, every breath that i breathe.  old habits of working late have started to pop up here and there.  i feel so guilty when i call saying i'm going to be late for dinner.  but it's so hard because the work has to get done.  i don't want to get so behind at school that i am stressed out and begrudging grandma the time i spend with her.  balanced.  such a simple idea, but such a complex state of being. 

people are always talking about the importance of the present moment.  while i know what they mean, i also find the present moment to be stressful.  to me, it's sometimes more helpful to look back.  that perspective, and being able to see in hindsight God's divine plan for your life, are crucial to being able to believe that this too shall pass, and to trust that every chapter has its own meaning and its own gifts.  looking ahead can be just as valuable.  for me, it was one of the things that made it so easy for me to make this move.  i know that 20 years from now, i will be so very glad that i had this time with my grandma.  i know that i would never be able to forgive myself if i could have come here but didn't because i loved my life too much as it was and didn't trust that there is a plan greater than mine for my life.  

i am so grateful for this time, and not knowing how long it will last makes me that much more grateful.  we are making memories.  i will never forget when we walked (grandma rode in the wheelchair) down the road to watch the sunset over the water.  or when we laid in the hammock and talked about life.  or when we played pitch.  or when we went canoeing.  or when we played bingo.  or when we tried every church in the county because i needed to find the one that felt like home to me and grandma said, "i don't care where i go to church; Jesus is there, no matter what!"  God bless her.  

thank you, Lord, for sprinkling grace throughout change.  for the grace to make life-altering decisions.  for the grace to say difficult goodbyes.  for the grace to begin again.  for the grace to see your grace in it all.  amen.

   

short lives well lived

last thursday, two of my peers left this world all too early.

bridget was 29.  bridget was one of the happiest and enthusiastic people i've ever known.  she and i were lectors together at church for years, and i never even knew she was sick until this past fall, when she grew too sick to continue.  throughout her illness, she taught, fought, and raised funds while raising awareness.  she lived more in 29 years than some people do in three times that.  she was a proud aunt, and loved her husband dearly.  she had dreams of turning 30 and having children.

alan was 30.  he was my next-door neighbor growing up.  he was sick, even back then, but he lived longer than anyone thought possible.  he too was a fighter, and a spokesman, and a fundraiser - so that others might have a better chance.  so much life packed into such little time.  he was a proud uncle and loved the outdoors.  he owned his own company.  he never let obstacles stand in his way.

bridget died in boston.  alan died in north carolina.  i don't imagine they ever knew each other on this earth, but i wonder if their kindred spirits crossed paths on the way to eternity.  they both had faith that could move mountains, and credited that faith for keeping them alive as long as it did.

not one of us knows how much time we have, but the very least we can do is appreciate each day and try to fully live it, in case it is our last.  bridget always wore pearls and said that it's silly to save them for a special occasion because every day of this life is a special occasion.  bridget and alan, your lives meant so much to so many.  thank you for making your short time with us count, and for teaching us about true faith, hope, and courage.  until we meet again...

becoming a godmother

when i was home over christmas break, i went to visit my dear friend theresa and her sweet little family.  while i was there, she asked me if i would be their new baby boy's godmother.  i'm embarrassed to say that the first image that popped into my mind was this:

i quickly came to my senses and realized that what we were actually talking about was this:

i can't quite describe to you how honored i felt - to even be considered for such a charge, much less actually chosen.  according to www.americancatholic.org, "godparents are to assist the child's parents in raising their child in our Catholic faith, so that the child may profess and live it as an adult."  not to be taken lightly!

theresa and i have been friends since second grade.  i have watched her go from single gal to wife to mom, all with incredible grace and humor.  harper is their second child, and he is a sweet, adorable chunky little monkey.  (theresa, i hope you don't mind me stealing this photo from your blog!)

i was just thrilled to stand on the altar and watch the priest pour water over his head, watch his godfather light the baptismal candle, and then get to place the white garment over his head.  it was a beautiful ceremony, and a great reminder of the rich tradition in our faith.  i am so very excited to help harper's parents share this faith with him as he grows up.  what a blessed new beginning!

Three Decades of Life

*dear reader, please note...i started this post when i actually turned 30, but never finished it.  i decided it deserved to be posted before i turned 31, finished or not!

These words from Tim McGraw's song, "My Next 30 Years" are almost* perfect as I reflect on three decades of life:

Best celebration a girl could imagine!

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife live without strife*
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years


Having officially been 30 for over a month  almost a year, I am over the shock of it enough to finally write about it.  I was quite amused last month last year when I came across this article on Huffington Post (originally published by "Glamour" magazine).  It's a list of 30 things every woman should have and know by the age of 30.  Let's just say apparently it's time... to start saving some money for old age, to buy a cordless drill, to once and for all establish an exercise routine, and to start flossing regularly.  I think I've got the other 26 down.  Not that I'm going to let this article dictate my life, or that I agree with everything in it, but you know.  Goals are always good!

Most of all, when I look back on the last 30 years of my life, I have two major thoughts.
1. I am so very grateful.  
2. I still have so much to learn!

This lucky lady's life journey is about to take a major twist, so of course I am anxious and excited to see what's in store!  Praying for grace, as always!

grace through those who light the way

Who are all of the luminaries in your life?

in the spirit of working towards a heart filled with gratitude, what better place to start than with the people who have helped me on my journey.  joyce rupp calls them "companions of growth."  she says that it's very rare that we can grow spiritually completely on our own or in isolation, and that certainly rings true for me.  i know God because of the people in my life who have shown God to me.  who are these people in your life?  who are the people who have believed in you and your potential for growth?  who are the helpers who have either knowingly or unknowingly aided you in your search for your true self and your life path?  who has challenged you to see parts of yourself that you were blind to?  who has given you courage to go deep and think in new ways?  who taught you how to pray?  who encouraged you to use the gifts you've been given?  join me today in giving thanks for these people who have lit the way on our journeys.  we would not, could not be who and where we are today without them!  their presence in our lives is grace - pure gift from our loving God.  i don't know about you, but my heart comes close to bursting with gratitude when i think about all that my "companions of growth" have done for me!

life is so very short

i have started writing this post many times and stopped because i'm still not exactly sure that i have the words to say what i want to say.  i think there are times in all of our lives when what is happening around us - or to us - forces us to stop short and really realize what a precious gift life is.  a number of those events have happened around me lately, and this reminder of life's short-ness is at the front and center of my heart and mind.  

first it was the death of 20 sweet children in newtown, connecticut on december 14.  then it was the death of a friend's husband, right before christmas.  then it was the death of one of my mom's students, the daughter and sister of long-time family friends.  these three events, which occurred within two weeks of one another, were horrific, impossible to understand events in the lives of those directly impacted (family and close friends).  but these kinds of events, i believe, can and must serve as reminders to those of us slightly removed or even greatly distanced, that life is short.  and precious.  and we just never know.

i don't know about you, but i get so caught up in each day's routines, lists, chores, meetings, and things that have to get done that i do forget.  i forget about what really matters.  i get sucked into thinking that crossing off checks on a list and running around like a crazy person are what life is all about.  WRONG!  i tell myself it's just a sign of the times - that everyone gets caught up in silly stuff that doesn't really matter.  it may be true, but it's also just an excuse.   

one of my favorite children's books is "the three questions" by jon j. muth.  it's adapted from leo tolstoy's short story, "the three questions", so it's pretty deep, as all the best children's books are.  in it, nikolai is a young boy who is trying to find out the right way to act, the right way to live.  a wise turtle helps him to find the answers to his three questions:

1. What is the best time to do things?
Now.
2. Who is the most important one?
The one you are with.
3. What is the right thing to do?
To do good for the one you are with.

good reminders to live in the present moment, appreciate the folks around us, and try to do for others whenever possible.  

the appreciation thing is key for me right now.  it's my main resolution for 2013 and my main prayer as we head into lent:  for a heart filled with gratitude.  even when i think i don't, i have oh-so-much to be thankful for.

grace in new life

Sure do love those little fingers!

this entry has been a long time coming.  excuse the delay!  on saturday, september 29, 2012 (my parents' anniversary), a beautiful little being entered the world and it will never be the same.  odette vivian made me an aunt (tante in dutch), and i will never be the same.  on sunday, december 16 after an excruciatingly long wait, i finally got to hold her in my arms.  my heart has never been so full, nor my smile so wide!  the two weeks i got to spend with her were nothing short of sacred.  it may have partially been so very special because i had waited so long to meet her, and partially because i don't know when i'll see her again, but mostly it was because she is just the sweetest, most lovable, snuggly little person.  i am serious when i say that i miss the smell of her spit-up on my shoulder.

dear odette,
your mommy and daddy don't want your picture posted all over the internet and although i would love to share your sweet smile with all 7 of my readers, i respect their wishes and will refrain.  let me just say that this world is a better place because you are in it.  our family is better because you are in it!  you are a beautiful little creature, my little chunky monkey and snugglebum.  i absolutely hate being so far away, but am very grateful for skype and face time so i can at least virtually watch you grow.  you are four months old and have already flown across the atlantic ocean, left your parents to play with your friends at day care, begun to roll over and eat solid food.  you are amazing!  don't grow up too fast - your parents want to cherish every moment!  you have a strong name, shared by strong women, and i have no doubt you will someday be a strong woman yourself.  you are already a strong-willed little lady!  continue to learn and grow, but take your time, and all the while, know that you are very, very loved.
love and mooches,
tante caitlin

And those little toes!

you aunts out there know what i'm talking about.  it is truly amazing.  and seeing your sister as a mother, having brought life into this world?  mind-blowing!  such a beautiful thing.  i am just in awe of this great responsibility she now holds for the rest of her life!  i am so very excited for future visits as this little one makes her way through each phase of life!  wishing my sister, her husband, and their little lady all the grace in the world as their adventure continues!