lent again already?

not gonna lie, it kinda seems like lent just ended, and here it is, back again.  i must be getting old, because time just seems to fly more and more quickly.

yesterday was the first time since moving here that i was able to go to my church for ash wednesday mass.  other years i've either been out of town or gone to mass at school.  it's funny, because for the first time in a long time, even though the church was totally packed (with a lot of people standing in the back), i didn't see anyone i knew.  most of my friends went to mass earlier in the day elsewhere, so for the first time in a long time, i was surrounded by strangers.  and yet...it didn't feel that way at all.  there's something about ash wednesday that levels the playing field.  nothing quite like dirt being smeared on your forehead to remind you that you have a long way to go in the journey of life, love, and all things sacred.  as i watched everyone walk up to receive their ashes, i was struck by the diversity.  there were young people, old people, pregnant women, parents with babies and small children, people in wheelchairs, a man on crutches, people who work downtown in their business attire, college kids in their sweats, homeless people...there is something about this day that calls us all back, even if we haven't been since christmas (or last easter, or last ash wednesday).  what is it?  when i think of ash wednesday and the beginning of lent, these are the words that first come to mind:

sin.  guilt.  offenses.  discouraged.  fear.  insecurity.  anxiety.  brokenness.

but of course, there is a flip side to all of these words if we dig a bit deeper:

mercy.  redemption.  simple.  healing.  reconciliation.  compassion.  forgiveness.  sacrifice.  love.

we all need to be reminded, at least once a year, of our need for God's mercy, forgiveness, and healing love.  we need to be reminded that we are not alone in our sin and guilt, but that God is always calling us to something more, always ready to wash us, heal us, mend our brokenness.

even in my short (relatively speaking) life, there have been waves of what one should do during lent.  when i was little, it was give something up.  the "something" was always something concrete, like candy or tv.  even in college, we would give up alcohol or eating out or aim or facebook.  then it became trendy to do something extra instead of giving something up.  do a good deed.  do community service.  make extra time in your daily routine for prayer.  at the end of the day, i think it's possible to go through the motions of doing these things without actually becoming a better person or growing any closer to God.  at the end of the day, it's about a conversion, a change of heart, a turning away from that which is not holy and a turning toward that which is.

yes, we should give up something.  a cup that is full to the brim can't hold anymore water, no matter how much you try.  you have to empty it a little bit in order to be able to put anything in.  our lives are the same.  if we fill up every minute of every day with stuff (working, driving around, talking on the phone, wasting time on the internet, etc.), where is God supposed to fit in?  cutting something out or giving something up empties us and leaves room for God to come in.  doing something extra is great, too, if we're not just doing it to do it, but actually making some deeper connections on the heart and spirit level.  i guess what i'm coming to realize is that it isn't so much about what we do during lent, but really it's about why we do it.  it's not about trying to jumpstart a diet or a new hobby or pastime.  it's not about following a bunch of rules or proving our endurance to ourselves or anyone else.  it's about making a change, making room, and making our way...one day at a time...back toward the one who loves us more than we could ever imagine.

follow me, i will bring you back, you will be my own, and i will be your God.
-"deep within" by david haas

grace in clarity and conviction

clarity, n. - a state of clear understanding; freedom from ambiguity
conviction, n. - a state of firmly believing in something


these are the two words that best describe what has been stirring in me lately.  i think over the past year or so, God has been teaching me a lot about what i really want and what really matters, particularly when it comes to my future husband and the life we will share together.  i didn't have a vision, i wasn't visited by an angel...nothing as dramatic as that.  more like a multitude of small experiences and moments that have really helped me to focus and know.  married friends experiencing really tough stuff.  my paternal grandmother's illness and death.  a relationship that just wouldn't work, no matter how badly i wanted to make it work.  teaching a class of middle school girls about life, love, virtue, and relationships.  here is some of what i've learned and come to believe.


1.  i can be materialistic sometimes.  i dream a lot about things i don't have and can't afford, like an amazing wedding.  my mom always jokes that she hopes i find someone who has enough money to make all these dreams come true, but i want to marry someone who i love so much that i simply don't care about those details, because i am just so excited to be able to spend the rest of my life with him that nothing else matters.  money can disappear quickly, and then what?  i think my future husband is someone that i could see myself enjoying being poor with, because we would be rich in the things that count.

My grandparents' hands

2.  life can be really hard.  i want to marry somebody who will be there through the best of times and the worst - i'm talking the really tough stuff like cancer, injuries that change everything, mental illness, disabilities, financial crises, job loss, and yes, even death of those closest to you.  i want to marry someone who will make me feel like although it is the most painful and unbearable experience, i can survive it because he is with me through it all.


3.  it's important to be able to get each other.  lack of understanding about where the other person is coming from or what they're feeling just breeds frustration and resentment.  been there, done that.  i need to be with someone who gets that i need time and space to re-energize and who gets that my work is more than just work and that it requires a lot of extra time and energy, beyond normal working hours.  


4.  we need to be able to find that balance between challenging each other to be our best selves and loving each other as we are.  not saying this is easy, but i think this is what true love is all about, modeled after how God loves us.  that love is unconditional, and will not end because of people or circumstances changing, but because we love each other and want what's best for each other, we are constantly trying to help each other grow in virtue and grow closer to God (which can definitely be a challenge!) as we grow old together.


it's so easy to get wrapped up in all the other stuff, the stuff that doesn't really matter.  sure, i would love it if he could cook.  a sense of humor is up there on a list of great qualities.  i want my family and friends to love him and him to love them.  but at the end of the day, at least this day, these are the four things that i see as being most important.  the other thing that has been stirring in me is that i can't just sit around waiting for this future husband to show up.  it's an active waiting, much like advent.  i need to spend this time preparing myself to be a woman of virtue so that i am ready when the time is right.  thank you, God, for clarity and conviction.  keep teaching me.  i'm listening.

prayers, please.

i don't often use this blog as a place to post prayer requests, but there is a very important one right now that needs the hearts of as many people as possible to speak it.  my dear friend kim, her husband brandon, and their son vincent are in the hospital.  


kim has given birth to two silent babies, natalie and tobias.  now she is 19 weeks pregnant with vincent and there is reason to be concerned because she experienced some bleeding and so they are carefully monitoring her on the high risk pregnancy floor and keeping her inverted so as to take the pressure off her cervix and hopefully keep little vincent cooking inside for many more weeks.


i ask for your prayers for baby vincent, that his brother and sister who are in heaven with God will keep careful watch over him and help him continue to grow inside his mommy's womb.  i ask for your prayers for kim, that her faith and hope and knowledge of vincent's well-being will be enough to keep her spirits high during what is sure to be a long journey ahead.  i ask for your prayers for brandon, that he may rest in the strength of his heavenly father when he feels tired and weak from carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders on behalf of his family.  i ask for your prayers for this sweet, sweet family that has experienced tremendous loss and suffering and needs to be able to hold their sweet, healthy, full-term baby in their arms.  loving God, please give kim and brandon the grace of mary and joseph, who also experienced immense challenges and suffering in their journey as parents, but who never lost faith.


He approached, grasped her hand, and helped her up.  
(From today's Gospel, Mark 1:31)


Loving God, do for Kim, Brandon, and Vincent what you did for Simeon's mother-in-law.  Be near them, hold their hands, and help them up.

grace in the ebbs and flows of friendship

“ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

-the prophet by kahlil gibran

i don't often do tributes to individuals on this blog, but when i started it, i set its purpose as a place for me to write about my experiences with grace, and God, and there is no way for me to talk about these things without describing the people who bring grace into my life and who have brought me closer to God.  one particular person has greatly influenced my life over the past six years, and tonight i had to say goodbye because she is moving far away.  you may think i am being silly and dramatic because in this world of texting and email and blogs and facebook, no one is ever really far away.  well, all i have to say to that is that quality time must not be your love language.

i hadn't actually thought about the moment of saying goodbye when i agreed to share one last meal.  in fact, i hate goodbyes.  but at the same time, they are a form of ritual and i do see the value in ritual.  there were many moments throughout the meal when glimpses of times we've shared and conversations we've had popped into my mind, and i sent up a little prayer of gratitude each time.  then all of a sudden, it was time.  the kids were in the car, and i got that feeling behind my eyes and in my chest and knew that i couldn't stop the tears from coming.  i am so blessed to have someone in my life that it is so hard to say goodbye to.

"the way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. we will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. that's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us."

-henri nouwen

karen, you will never fully know the significance of your presence in my life.  your willingness to walk with me on my journey and to allow me to walk with you on yours has meant more to me than words can say.  you have been a mirror to me, when i needed my own goodness and light reflected back toward me because i couldn't see it on my own.  you have brought me closer to God by sharing God's grace.  you have been a rare friend - the kind that don't come along everyday - the kind that i thank God for, always.  

i wish you the very best in this next chapter, which i know will hold many adventures and opportunities.  know that i am cheering for you and praying for you every step of the way, from a distance.

"don't be dismayed by good-byes. a farewell is necessary before you can meet again. and meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."

~Illusions:  The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach

grossly imperfect, infused with surprising moments of grace

there was an awesome article in the bulletin at church this morning called "A Jesus for the Great Recession (and other dark times)" by john backman.  the basic gist of it was a topic i've written about before:  the idea that just like life, faith isn't all light and fluffy - it can be messy and dark, but that doesn't mean it's not valuable and worthwhile.  this is my favorite quote from it:


"this is more like the world i know: grossly imperfect, sometimes frantic and frightening, infused with surprising moments of grace.  this is the world, according to christian teaching, that God entered in the person of Jesus."


this is our world, this is life, this is definitely me...and i am so incredibly grateful for those moments of grace and for Jesus' entrance into all the imperfection.


one of the authors i know who best writes about this stuff is anne lamott.  i have read a couple of her books, and look forward to reading more.  she also writes about grace, and i love this quote:


“i do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.” 


thank you, God, for grace amidst the imperfections!

grace via the u.s. postal service

this amazing card came in the mail today.  leave it to the friend who's been with you through thick and thin, since second grade, to send you words like this when you need them most.  theresa, i love you, girl!  thank you so much.  dear God, thank you for putting such amazing people in my life.

chicken soup for the soul

when i was in middle school/high school, i was obsessed with that series.  i think i either owned or had checked out every book that in any way related to me...for the kid's soul (I & II), for the teen's soul (I-IV), for the pet lover's soul, for the volunteer's soul...you name it, i had read it.  and sobbed all the way through it, no doubt.  when i got to college and in the post-college years, it was for the college soul, for the teacher's soul, for the traveler's soul, for the woman's soul, yes - even for the scrapbooker's soul.  you think i'm kidding.  click here to see the complete list of titles.  the point is, i read these books all the time and sometimes the stories made me laugh, other times they made me cry, but they always moved me and tugged at my emotions.


i'm at a point in my life now where these books just aren't cutting it for me anymore.  sorry, jack canfield and mark victor hansen.  it's just that i need more depth these days.  and sometimes i need to not read at all, but to feed my soul in another way.

the last two weeks have been rotten.  i questioned this the other day when i checked my horoscope and it said something about things not really being that bad and me just needing to shift my perspective.  after a few moments of consideration, i decided that while a perspective shift never hurt anybody, the last two weeks have been rotten no matter which eyes you look through.  cue the long weekend.  thank you, dr. martin luther king, jr.  i know you did many very important things and spoke many very important words, and this is probably sacrilegious, but what i am most grateful for right now is the fact that you did something important enough for us to get an extra day off of school.  i desperately needed it.

the danger in making service your life work is that you run yourself ragged for others until you have nothing left to give.  i was pretty close to that point by the time friday afternoon rolled around, so i decided to spend all weekend feeding my soul chicken soup.  truth be told, i would have given anything to be able to jump on a plane to some exotic island and leave it all behind, but that kind of spontaneity just isn't in the cards for me.  instead, on friday i drank a margarita with a friend and discussed life.  that night i slept for 11 hours.  on saturday i met a friend i hadn't seen in awhile for brunch.  then i met another friend downtown for mani/pedis.  then i read a beautiful book that my dad gave me for christmas:  my life with the saints by james martin, sj.  specifically, i read the chapter about st. ignatius of loyola.  what a guy!  definitely fed my soul.  i slept for 11 more hours saturday night, then woke up sunday and had a skype date with my family, then went to a bridal expo with another good friend, followed by a quiet lunch, a bit of sale shopping downtown, a beautiful Mass, and dinner with friends.  this morning, i had brunch with a friend, went to the market, did a little bit of work, and had dinner with two friends.  i started a new health plan with my mom and sister (thank you, myfitnesspal app).  i took care of myself.  i spent time alone and time with good friends and time with family.  i actually took time to talk to God and listen for God in ways that i haven't these past two weeks.  and guess what?


i feel much better.  as a new week begins, i am reminded of a prayer card my grandma gave me over christmas.  this is what it says:

so even though jack and mark haven't written a "chicken soup for the principal's soul", all is well.  heck, i could write it myself.  here's to a better week.  and if i do need to shift my perspective, God, (which i probably do), please give me the grace to do so!