grace in random acts of kindness

today started off rotten.  just plain rotten.  it was cold and rainy.  i had a full day's worth of work ahead of me, and was planning to be at school for the majority of the day.  and right about then, as i was thinking about 42 million things, i neglected to think about what was probably most important at that moment and locked my keys in my car.  can we say thank God for AAA?  because i definitely was thanking God for AAA!  

finally got my car back and had to take it in to the dealership because a little light came on my dash saying there was some kind of problem with my tires.  i figured it might take an hour or so, and brought my ipad just in case.  it was a lifesaver- turned out i had time to catch up on ALL my tv shows!  that's right - i was there over 5 hours.  a blessing in disguise, as i never would have taken the time to sit still NOT doing work for that long otherwise!  turns out there were other issues, totaling to about $300 worth of work.  the timing couldn't have been worse - my checking account is running very low and i need every penny for christmas gifts!  

i told the service guy that all i could pay for was to get the tire plugged that had a nail in it - the rest would have to wait.  an hour later, he called me up to explain what they had done.  turns out he plugged the tire for free, and did the other things too!  the grand total on the bill was $42.  seriously?!  i almost cried.  i thanked him so much for his kindness.  he said whether or not i could afford them, all of those things needed to be done, and i had waited patiently all day, and it's the season of giving, so it just seemed like the right thing to do.

what an incredible, unexpected, random act of kindness!  i am thinking about how to best pay it forward...

thank God for thanksgiving!

so it seems the last time i publicly gave thanks was back in august.  sad, i know.  pitiful, even!  i'm going to be brutally honest, so if you aren't prepared for it, stop reading now.  the truth of the matter is that the past few months have been pretty tough, and the really ugly truth is that i haven't been very thankful.  as i write those words, i feel like a spoiled brat.  i know that in the grand scheme of things, my life is not that hard.  i know that i am surrounded by God's beauty and grace, but knowing that intellectually and feeling that deeply and strongly are two very different things.  

in my last post, i promised to blog more about yoga and running.  the problem is that since school started, i haven't been doing much of either of those.  i haven't been doing much of anything other than working.  and yes, it is working for a great cause and it is great work, but at the end of the day, it is still work.  and i am tired.

the pope has declared this the year of faith.  we have been challenged to think about what this might mean for us.  for me, i have decided, it is a year of holding on tightly to my faith even when life is rough, even when everything i know is challenged, and even when it doesn't feel good.  it is also a year of discernment, of checking in with God and with my inner-most self about this life i'm living and whether or not i am living it as authentically as possible, in a way that gives life to both myself and others while at the same time giving glory to God.

which brings me to the title of this post.  i am thankful to God for many things, but at this moment in time, i am thankful for thanksgiving.  i am thankful for the opportunity to spend a few days "just be-ing" with my family, resting instead of working, being surrounded by God's creation and able to see it for all its grandeur.  i am thankful for time to stop and smell the pumpkin pie and listen for what God might be trying to tell me in the quiet moments that sneak their way in to this wonderful holiday.  i am thankful for the forced opportunity to realize that there is oh so much to be thankful for.

in the spirit of giving thanks...

this summer, i am so very thankful for:

Getting back into running (more to come in a future post)

Yoga (more to come on this in another future post)

Playing instead of working on Fridays!

My new neighborhood favorite spot...I've been here way too much this summer!

Thanks, Mom and Dad, for beginning my obsession with this show.  I love these people and fear I may have been born on the wrong continent and in the wrong era...

Dear, dear friends (many, but not all of whom are pictured here!)

My precious little niece (pictured here at 33 weeks!)

your grace is enough

there's a song by this title that matt maher sings.  it's based on this quote from 2 corinthians 12:9:

He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.

the word that i am most focused on right now is "enough."  the homily at mass this morning was one of those amazing-hit-you-where-it-hurts-didn't-even-know-you-needed-to-learn-this-lesson-until-you-heard-it kind of messages.

true confession:  my greatest weakness/sin/character flaw, whatever you want to call it, is probably that i don't live my life as if everything that is, is enough.  i want to be grateful for everything and have an "attitude of gratitude" and an "abundance perspective".  but more often than not, i don't.  i find myself wishing for more or different or less or not even noticing the blessings before me because i'm too d--- busy.  i get so caught up in what i want, what i need, being too tired, too stressed, hungry, thirsty, lonely, angry...

today's gospel was about the bread of life and how Jesus gives himself to us so that we can be strong.  these words from john were of great comfort to me today:

I am the living bread that came down from heaven;
whoever eats this bread will live forever;
and the bread that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world.

it also always helps for me to think about life as a journey.  perhaps the greatest gift the camino gave me.  but when i hear these words, i hear Jesus offering me strength for the journey.  so in the coming weeks, as school starts back, as i inevitably struggle to maintain work/life balance, as i fall short of what i hope to accomplish day after day...i hope i remember to turn to God.  i hope i remember that his grace truly is sufficient.  i hope i remember that when i am weak, God is strong, and i am never alone.  

you see all my light and you love my dark

i never really thought of alanis morissette as a spiritual/religious singer, but i was listening to this song today and heard it in a different way.  i listened to it as if she were singing to God.  and i started to think how true and how beautiful it is that even though i am so very imperfect - moody and negative and passive-aggressive and mistrusting and dull - even when i am a baby and yes, an ***hole, to use the words from her song, even in my darkest moments when my actions are far, far away from what they should be, God digs everything.  everything.  this is the true meaning of unconditional love.  not choosing to only love parts, but loving the whole.  light and dark.  good and bad.  loving the paradoxes.

God loves me, light and dark.

and God loves you, light and dark, too.

i don't love my dark.  i try really hard not to think about my dark and to stay busy trying to do things to make the world less dark.  but part of self-awareness and living a reflective life is acknowledging that we all have both, and that is what makes us human.  it's funny, i always thought of this song as a love song, between two humans.  but i'm starting to think of it as a love song from humans to our maker.  actually, if you watch the video, at one point she writes "thank you" on a piece of paper and turns it into a paper airplane and sends it flying up into the sky, almost like a love letter to God.

as we find ourselves at the end of another school year, i find myself grateful in many ways, for many reasons.  i owe "thank yous" to many people.  but most of all, i'd like to send a little thank you to my maker.  thank you, God, for always loving me, when i least deserve it, and for sending me your grace when i need it most.  i don't know if meister eckhart is right, but for now, they're the only words that suffice.

Christ has no arms...

i recently attended an awesome convention where i learned a lot and had the privilege to hear this lady speak.  she told an amazing story about going to a mission church in california where she noticed that on the crucifix over the altar, jesus didn't have any arms.  when she asked the priest about it, he said that they were going to replace them and restore the crucifix to its original condition, but a nun had said that they shouldn't, because as it is, it serves as a reminder to all who see it that christ has no arms in this world but ours.  we are his arms, and we must do his work.  she says it more eloquently here, if you would like to read her words.

this moved me greatly, and reminded me of this prayer by st. teresa of avila:
Christ has no body now on earth but yours,
no hands but yours,no feet but yours,Yours are the eyes through which is to look outChrist's compassion to the world;Yours are the feet with which he is to go about doing good;Yours are the hands with which he is to bless men now.


no small charge: be christ in the world.

grace in words that give life

"You know it.  You feel it, I do too.
Just listen.  Something is calling you."

-Norah Jones, "Something is Calling You"

i've been thinking a lot about words lately.  the words that we choose to use.  it's a lot easier to take time and be selective when writing than it is speaking.  i've noticed lately that when i get stressed out, i tend to grow careless in my word choice - especially when speaking.  sometimes my words hurt and destroy rather than giving life.  i imagine most of us could probably say the same thing; we are not always at our best and sometimes we need God's grace to re-fuel us and re-inspire us.  sometimes we need grace from others to move past those less-than-stellar moments and those days we'd like to forget.  my prayer right now is that my words will be more like God's words - that they will give life, and call others to greatness, to action, and to be their best selves.  

think of all the voices speaking to you these days.  which ones give you life?  which ones inspire you to be your best self?  which ones are better left ignored?  what about God's voice?  how is our loving creator calling you these days?  what is he calling you to do?  who is he calling you to be?  these are the questions i am pondering for myself these days.  there are no quick or easy answers, but this is one of those stretches when i will do my best to live the questions.

"Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

-Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet

Precious moments

"spend precious moments with the ones that i hold dear...

make up for lost time here...in my next 30 years"

-tim mcgraw

you know when you're in the middle of a moment that can only be described as precious?  i used to make fun of those figurines, but i have to say, that sam butcher was onto something.  the last line of his bio on the PM website says, "Nothing means more to him than his children and grandchildren, and he takes advantage of every opportunity to make them an active part of his life and his work."  change "him" to "her", and that pretty much sums up my grandma.

i had the joy and privilege to spend a little bit of time with her last week when my bridesmaid duties took me down to virginia and i was able to sneak in just under 48 hours with the woman who gave birth to the woman who gave birth to me.  we didn't do anything grand.  lots of talking.  some eating.  some drinking hot beverages.  some work outside.  some praying.  but mostly just lots of talking.  precious moments.  it's amazing how just being in her presence fills my spirit.

at one point she was talking about her life and how she hasn't done much of great significance.  "i was born, i lived, someday i'll die", she said to me.  two things about that simple sentence stood out to me.  first, my grandma is the most humble person ever to walk this planet.  she is the absolute embodiment of mother teresa's belief that we can't do great things - only small things with great love.  second, when my grandma says she lived, she means it.  that woman has traveled the world.  she raised a family.  she singlehandedly keeps jesus, mary, and all the saints busy as can be with all her prayers.  she plants and harvests and shares an abundance every year.  she painstakingly de-shells crab meat and de-bones turkey meat for crabcakes and soup and makes the most amazing spaghetti sauce and raw apple cake.  she is 87 years old and has somehow managed to find the balance between doing as she pleases and doing for others.  she takes better care of herself than most 30-somethings i know.  in her neck of the woods, she is known as the local angel because of her perpetual kindness and generosity.

i can only hope to have inherited some of the wonderfulness that is my grandma.  in the meantime, i will continue to soak up the precious moments, however few and far between they may be.

Is it wrong to sympathize with Pilate?

i started writing this post on good friday.  i didn't publish right away because i wasn't sure if i wanted to go public with these very incomplete, somewhat sacrilegious thoughts.  almost a month later, here you go.

i hate to admit it, but this year, as i was listening to the story of jesus' passion according to john, i found myself sympathizing with pilate.  i know, right?  how horrible.  how awful.  as a kid i always thought of him as the bad guy.  he was the reason jesus died.  maybe i'm just crazy.  maybe in my old age i'm beginning to see in gray rather than black and white.  maybe being in a position of authority and not always liking the responsibility that comes with it makes me want to think that pilate and i aren't so different after all.

So Pilate came out to them and said, 
"What charge do you bring against this man?"
They answered and said to him,
"If he were not a criminal, 
we would not have handed him over to you."
At this, Pilate said to them, 
"Take him yourselves, and judge him according to your law."

first, pilate tried to throw the problem back at the people.  you fix it.  you're the ones who see it as a problem.  i've definitely done that.  wish i did it more often, in fact.  a particularly good tactic when you don't agree that said problem is in fact a problem and have actual bigger problems to deal with.

So Pilate went back into the praetorium 
and summoned Jesus and said to him, 
"Are you the King of the Jews?"
Jesus answered,
"Do you say this on your own 
or have others told you about me?"
Pilate answered,
"I am not a Jew, am I?
Your own nation and the chief priests handed you over to me.
What have you done?"

next, pilate goes straight to the problem and questions him directly.  i find myself in this position, ohhhh, about 20 times every day.  so-and-so says this; is it true?  why did you say/do said thing?

Jesus answered,
"My kingdom does not belong to this world.
If my kingdom did belong to this world, 
my attendants would be fighting 
to keep me from being handed over to the Jews.
But as it is, my kingdom is not here."
So Pilate said to him,
"Then you are a king?"
Jesus answered,
"You say I am a king.
For this I was born and for this I came into the world, 
to testify to the truth.
Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice."
Pilate said to him, "What is truth?"

then pilate gets a little flustered because this problem is quickly becoming his problem.  it doesn't help that he gives cryptic answers to pilate's questions and answers his questions with more questions.

When he had said this,
he again went out to the Jews and said to them,
"I find no guilt in him.
But you have a custom that I release one prisoner to you at Passover.
Do you want me to release to you the King of the Jews?"
They cried out again,
"Not this one but Barabbas!"

even though if i were pilate at this point, i would probably be pulling my hair out and having a panic attack, he seems to really get that this guy didn't do anything wrong.  he tries to get out of what he fears is an awful decision he's going to have to make in order to please the angry crowds.  but they will have none of it.  they force him into a corner.

Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged.
And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head, 
and clothed him in a purple cloak, 
and they came to him and said,
"Hail, King of the Jews!"
And they struck him repeatedly.
Once more Pilate went out and said to them, 
"Look, I am bringing him out to you, 
so that you may know that I find no guilt in him."
So Jesus came out, 
wearing the crown of thorns and the purple cloak.
And he said to them, "Behold, the man!"
When the chief priests and the guards saw him they cried out, 
"Crucify him, crucify him!"

one last time, pilate tries to get out of it.  he doesn't want innocent blood on his hands.  he doesn't want to do this and knows on some level that it's wrong.  but he can't ignore the politics that are involved; he can't have an uprising on his hands.  the people hit him wear it hurts; accuse him of not being loyal to his superior.

Pilate said to them,
"Take him yourselves and crucify him.
I find no guilt in him."
The Jews answered, 
"We have a law, and according to that law he ought to die, 
because he made himself the Son of God."
Now when Pilate heard this statement,
he became even more afraid, 
and went back into the praetorium and said to Jesus, 
"Where are you from?"
Jesus did not answer him.
So Pilate said to him,
"Do you not speak to me?
Do you not know that I have power to release you 
and I have power to crucify you?"
Jesus answered him,
"You would have no power over me 
if it had not been given to you from above.
For this reason the one who handed me over to you
has the greater sin."
Consequently, Pilate tried to release him; but the Jews cried out, 
"If you release him, you are not a Friend of Caesar.
Everyone who makes himself a king opposes Caesar."


when pilate realized there was no easy way out of this, he did what he felt he had to do, wrong though it may have been.  i like to think he was trying to think of the greater good, although he was probably just a coward.  i also like to think maybe he really had no idea what he was doing, but most leaders have pretty good instinct.  finally, in an attempt to feel a little less awful about himself and his actions, he holds firm on the inscription.  what is written is true, which must count for something.

There they crucified him, and with him two others, 
one on either side, with Jesus in the middle.
Pilate also had an inscription written and put on the cross.
It read,
"Jesus the Nazorean, the King of the Jews."
Now many of the Jews read this inscription, 
because the place where Jesus was crucified was near the city; 
and it was written in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek.
So the chief priests of the Jews said to Pilate, 
"Do not write 'The King of the Jews,'
but that he said, 'I am the King of the Jews'."
Pilate answered,"What I have written, I have written."

and the world was never the same.  i wonder if there are any accounts of pilate, post-jesus' crucifixion.  what great impact did this awful error in judgment have on his leadership, on his career, on his soul?

a community i didn't know i was seeking

i just got back from an amazing retreat.  i felt kind of weird initially, calling it a retreat, because it wasn't religious at all.  to me, retreats are innately religious, or at the very least, spiritual.  this retreat was professional.  not just educators from catholic schools, but educators from all kinds of schools.  it was somewhat terrifying for me initially.  as i drove there, my stomach was in knots.  what if i wasn't good enough/adequate/comparable to everyone else?  (somehow it always comes back to those feelings of insecurity and self-doubt)

somehow, something almost magical happened, almost instantly.  23 strangers chose to drop their guard and be real.  we chose to say yes, to commit to take risks and to be present.

it was beautiful.

all day friday we did acting/storytelling.  you wanna talk about taking risks.  geez.  i have no problem making a fool out of myself in front of kids, but peers?  that's a whole different ballgame.  we're talking major vulnerability.  but somehow, throughout the day's activities, we journeyed together as a group.  i can honestly say that i am not the same person now that i was before the day started.

we had conversations of great depth about our fears, our struggles, our needs, our failures.  we gave each other feedback and reflected each other's strengths back - something people don't do often enough in life.  seriously.  how many times in the last year can you say that someone honestly told you in a specific and meaningful way what they see in you that makes you good at what you do?

this is quite possibly the most authentic group of people i've ever been with.  i am so excited for the coming year as we continue to journey together as leaders, but just as importantly, as human beings.  sometimes in my work i feel like i'm having to jump off a really high diving board and i don't know if the pool below is full of water or not.  these people make me feel like there is plenty of water and the worst that can happen is i'll make a little splash.  thank you, God, for this incredible experience.

when will i learn?

i feel like i am one step forward, two steps back these days.  just when i feel like i'm getting somewhere, finally growing in awareness/consciousness/intention, i end up back where i started.  i received the sacrament of reconciliation one night this week.  as i was sitting there, confessing my sins, i started to have deja vu.  everything i was confessing i believe i've confessed before.  why is it that i can't seem to learn my lesson and move on?  

then i started to feel like a big hypocrite, because whenever i'm meeting with a student about something related to discipline and they say they're sorry, i always say, "well remember, the way we'll know you're really sorry is that your behavior will change and you won't do this again."  yet, here i am, doing these same things over and over again.  and you know what?  it's not that i'm not sorry.  i can honestly say that i may not be good at a lot of things, but confession is something i do really well.  wholeheartedly.  usually tears are flowing.  must be that catholic guilt or something.  but i am very sorry.  and yet...

father told me to be more gentle with myself.  he said it's a process and that i need to remember i'm not alone.  

lord, help me through this process of becoming who i want to be and who you want me to be.

lent again already?

not gonna lie, it kinda seems like lent just ended, and here it is, back again.  i must be getting old, because time just seems to fly more and more quickly.

yesterday was the first time since moving here that i was able to go to my church for ash wednesday mass.  other years i've either been out of town or gone to mass at school.  it's funny, because for the first time in a long time, even though the church was totally packed (with a lot of people standing in the back), i didn't see anyone i knew.  most of my friends went to mass earlier in the day elsewhere, so for the first time in a long time, i was surrounded by strangers.  and yet...it didn't feel that way at all.  there's something about ash wednesday that levels the playing field.  nothing quite like dirt being smeared on your forehead to remind you that you have a long way to go in the journey of life, love, and all things sacred.  as i watched everyone walk up to receive their ashes, i was struck by the diversity.  there were young people, old people, pregnant women, parents with babies and small children, people in wheelchairs, a man on crutches, people who work downtown in their business attire, college kids in their sweats, homeless people...there is something about this day that calls us all back, even if we haven't been since christmas (or last easter, or last ash wednesday).  what is it?  when i think of ash wednesday and the beginning of lent, these are the words that first come to mind:

sin.  guilt.  offenses.  discouraged.  fear.  insecurity.  anxiety.  brokenness.

but of course, there is a flip side to all of these words if we dig a bit deeper:

mercy.  redemption.  simple.  healing.  reconciliation.  compassion.  forgiveness.  sacrifice.  love.

we all need to be reminded, at least once a year, of our need for God's mercy, forgiveness, and healing love.  we need to be reminded that we are not alone in our sin and guilt, but that God is always calling us to something more, always ready to wash us, heal us, mend our brokenness.

even in my short (relatively speaking) life, there have been waves of what one should do during lent.  when i was little, it was give something up.  the "something" was always something concrete, like candy or tv.  even in college, we would give up alcohol or eating out or aim or facebook.  then it became trendy to do something extra instead of giving something up.  do a good deed.  do community service.  make extra time in your daily routine for prayer.  at the end of the day, i think it's possible to go through the motions of doing these things without actually becoming a better person or growing any closer to God.  at the end of the day, it's about a conversion, a change of heart, a turning away from that which is not holy and a turning toward that which is.

yes, we should give up something.  a cup that is full to the brim can't hold anymore water, no matter how much you try.  you have to empty it a little bit in order to be able to put anything in.  our lives are the same.  if we fill up every minute of every day with stuff (working, driving around, talking on the phone, wasting time on the internet, etc.), where is God supposed to fit in?  cutting something out or giving something up empties us and leaves room for God to come in.  doing something extra is great, too, if we're not just doing it to do it, but actually making some deeper connections on the heart and spirit level.  i guess what i'm coming to realize is that it isn't so much about what we do during lent, but really it's about why we do it.  it's not about trying to jumpstart a diet or a new hobby or pastime.  it's not about following a bunch of rules or proving our endurance to ourselves or anyone else.  it's about making a change, making room, and making our way...one day at a time...back toward the one who loves us more than we could ever imagine.

follow me, i will bring you back, you will be my own, and i will be your God.
-"deep within" by david haas

grace in clarity and conviction

clarity, n. - a state of clear understanding; freedom from ambiguity
conviction, n. - a state of firmly believing in something


these are the two words that best describe what has been stirring in me lately.  i think over the past year or so, God has been teaching me a lot about what i really want and what really matters, particularly when it comes to my future husband and the life we will share together.  i didn't have a vision, i wasn't visited by an angel...nothing as dramatic as that.  more like a multitude of small experiences and moments that have really helped me to focus and know.  married friends experiencing really tough stuff.  my paternal grandmother's illness and death.  a relationship that just wouldn't work, no matter how badly i wanted to make it work.  teaching a class of middle school girls about life, love, virtue, and relationships.  here is some of what i've learned and come to believe.


1.  i can be materialistic sometimes.  i dream a lot about things i don't have and can't afford, like an amazing wedding.  my mom always jokes that she hopes i find someone who has enough money to make all these dreams come true, but i want to marry someone who i love so much that i simply don't care about those details, because i am just so excited to be able to spend the rest of my life with him that nothing else matters.  money can disappear quickly, and then what?  i think my future husband is someone that i could see myself enjoying being poor with, because we would be rich in the things that count.

My grandparents' hands

2.  life can be really hard.  i want to marry somebody who will be there through the best of times and the worst - i'm talking the really tough stuff like cancer, injuries that change everything, mental illness, disabilities, financial crises, job loss, and yes, even death of those closest to you.  i want to marry someone who will make me feel like although it is the most painful and unbearable experience, i can survive it because he is with me through it all.


3.  it's important to be able to get each other.  lack of understanding about where the other person is coming from or what they're feeling just breeds frustration and resentment.  been there, done that.  i need to be with someone who gets that i need time and space to re-energize and who gets that my work is more than just work and that it requires a lot of extra time and energy, beyond normal working hours.  


4.  we need to be able to find that balance between challenging each other to be our best selves and loving each other as we are.  not saying this is easy, but i think this is what true love is all about, modeled after how God loves us.  that love is unconditional, and will not end because of people or circumstances changing, but because we love each other and want what's best for each other, we are constantly trying to help each other grow in virtue and grow closer to God (which can definitely be a challenge!) as we grow old together.


it's so easy to get wrapped up in all the other stuff, the stuff that doesn't really matter.  sure, i would love it if he could cook.  a sense of humor is up there on a list of great qualities.  i want my family and friends to love him and him to love them.  but at the end of the day, at least this day, these are the four things that i see as being most important.  the other thing that has been stirring in me is that i can't just sit around waiting for this future husband to show up.  it's an active waiting, much like advent.  i need to spend this time preparing myself to be a woman of virtue so that i am ready when the time is right.  thank you, God, for clarity and conviction.  keep teaching me.  i'm listening.

prayers, please.

i don't often use this blog as a place to post prayer requests, but there is a very important one right now that needs the hearts of as many people as possible to speak it.  my dear friend kim, her husband brandon, and their son vincent are in the hospital.  


kim has given birth to two silent babies, natalie and tobias.  now she is 19 weeks pregnant with vincent and there is reason to be concerned because she experienced some bleeding and so they are carefully monitoring her on the high risk pregnancy floor and keeping her inverted so as to take the pressure off her cervix and hopefully keep little vincent cooking inside for many more weeks.


i ask for your prayers for baby vincent, that his brother and sister who are in heaven with God will keep careful watch over him and help him continue to grow inside his mommy's womb.  i ask for your prayers for kim, that her faith and hope and knowledge of vincent's well-being will be enough to keep her spirits high during what is sure to be a long journey ahead.  i ask for your prayers for brandon, that he may rest in the strength of his heavenly father when he feels tired and weak from carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders on behalf of his family.  i ask for your prayers for this sweet, sweet family that has experienced tremendous loss and suffering and needs to be able to hold their sweet, healthy, full-term baby in their arms.  loving God, please give kim and brandon the grace of mary and joseph, who also experienced immense challenges and suffering in their journey as parents, but who never lost faith.


He approached, grasped her hand, and helped her up.  
(From today's Gospel, Mark 1:31)


Loving God, do for Kim, Brandon, and Vincent what you did for Simeon's mother-in-law.  Be near them, hold their hands, and help them up.

grace in the ebbs and flows of friendship

“ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

-the prophet by kahlil gibran

i don't often do tributes to individuals on this blog, but when i started it, i set its purpose as a place for me to write about my experiences with grace, and God, and there is no way for me to talk about these things without describing the people who bring grace into my life and who have brought me closer to God.  one particular person has greatly influenced my life over the past six years, and tonight i had to say goodbye because she is moving far away.  you may think i am being silly and dramatic because in this world of texting and email and blogs and facebook, no one is ever really far away.  well, all i have to say to that is that quality time must not be your love language.

i hadn't actually thought about the moment of saying goodbye when i agreed to share one last meal.  in fact, i hate goodbyes.  but at the same time, they are a form of ritual and i do see the value in ritual.  there were many moments throughout the meal when glimpses of times we've shared and conversations we've had popped into my mind, and i sent up a little prayer of gratitude each time.  then all of a sudden, it was time.  the kids were in the car, and i got that feeling behind my eyes and in my chest and knew that i couldn't stop the tears from coming.  i am so blessed to have someone in my life that it is so hard to say goodbye to.

"the way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. we will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. that's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us."

-henri nouwen

karen, you will never fully know the significance of your presence in my life.  your willingness to walk with me on my journey and to allow me to walk with you on yours has meant more to me than words can say.  you have been a mirror to me, when i needed my own goodness and light reflected back toward me because i couldn't see it on my own.  you have brought me closer to God by sharing God's grace.  you have been a rare friend - the kind that don't come along everyday - the kind that i thank God for, always.  

i wish you the very best in this next chapter, which i know will hold many adventures and opportunities.  know that i am cheering for you and praying for you every step of the way, from a distance.

"don't be dismayed by good-byes. a farewell is necessary before you can meet again. and meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."

~Illusions:  The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach

grossly imperfect, infused with surprising moments of grace

there was an awesome article in the bulletin at church this morning called "A Jesus for the Great Recession (and other dark times)" by john backman.  the basic gist of it was a topic i've written about before:  the idea that just like life, faith isn't all light and fluffy - it can be messy and dark, but that doesn't mean it's not valuable and worthwhile.  this is my favorite quote from it:


"this is more like the world i know: grossly imperfect, sometimes frantic and frightening, infused with surprising moments of grace.  this is the world, according to christian teaching, that God entered in the person of Jesus."


this is our world, this is life, this is definitely me...and i am so incredibly grateful for those moments of grace and for Jesus' entrance into all the imperfection.


one of the authors i know who best writes about this stuff is anne lamott.  i have read a couple of her books, and look forward to reading more.  she also writes about grace, and i love this quote:


“i do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.” 


thank you, God, for grace amidst the imperfections!

grace via the u.s. postal service

this amazing card came in the mail today.  leave it to the friend who's been with you through thick and thin, since second grade, to send you words like this when you need them most.  theresa, i love you, girl!  thank you so much.  dear God, thank you for putting such amazing people in my life.

chicken soup for the soul

when i was in middle school/high school, i was obsessed with that series.  i think i either owned or had checked out every book that in any way related to me...for the kid's soul (I & II), for the teen's soul (I-IV), for the pet lover's soul, for the volunteer's soul...you name it, i had read it.  and sobbed all the way through it, no doubt.  when i got to college and in the post-college years, it was for the college soul, for the teacher's soul, for the traveler's soul, for the woman's soul, yes - even for the scrapbooker's soul.  you think i'm kidding.  click here to see the complete list of titles.  the point is, i read these books all the time and sometimes the stories made me laugh, other times they made me cry, but they always moved me and tugged at my emotions.


i'm at a point in my life now where these books just aren't cutting it for me anymore.  sorry, jack canfield and mark victor hansen.  it's just that i need more depth these days.  and sometimes i need to not read at all, but to feed my soul in another way.

the last two weeks have been rotten.  i questioned this the other day when i checked my horoscope and it said something about things not really being that bad and me just needing to shift my perspective.  after a few moments of consideration, i decided that while a perspective shift never hurt anybody, the last two weeks have been rotten no matter which eyes you look through.  cue the long weekend.  thank you, dr. martin luther king, jr.  i know you did many very important things and spoke many very important words, and this is probably sacrilegious, but what i am most grateful for right now is the fact that you did something important enough for us to get an extra day off of school.  i desperately needed it.

the danger in making service your life work is that you run yourself ragged for others until you have nothing left to give.  i was pretty close to that point by the time friday afternoon rolled around, so i decided to spend all weekend feeding my soul chicken soup.  truth be told, i would have given anything to be able to jump on a plane to some exotic island and leave it all behind, but that kind of spontaneity just isn't in the cards for me.  instead, on friday i drank a margarita with a friend and discussed life.  that night i slept for 11 hours.  on saturday i met a friend i hadn't seen in awhile for brunch.  then i met another friend downtown for mani/pedis.  then i read a beautiful book that my dad gave me for christmas:  my life with the saints by james martin, sj.  specifically, i read the chapter about st. ignatius of loyola.  what a guy!  definitely fed my soul.  i slept for 11 more hours saturday night, then woke up sunday and had a skype date with my family, then went to a bridal expo with another good friend, followed by a quiet lunch, a bit of sale shopping downtown, a beautiful Mass, and dinner with friends.  this morning, i had brunch with a friend, went to the market, did a little bit of work, and had dinner with two friends.  i started a new health plan with my mom and sister (thank you, myfitnesspal app).  i took care of myself.  i spent time alone and time with good friends and time with family.  i actually took time to talk to God and listen for God in ways that i haven't these past two weeks.  and guess what?


i feel much better.  as a new week begins, i am reminded of a prayer card my grandma gave me over christmas.  this is what it says:

so even though jack and mark haven't written a "chicken soup for the principal's soul", all is well.  heck, i could write it myself.  here's to a better week.  and if i do need to shift my perspective, God, (which i probably do), please give me the grace to do so!

out of the mouths of babes...

today was an awful day, all in all.  i don't want to dwell on it; i just want it to be over.  in the midst of the awfulness, however, there were two moments of joy that deserve to be documented:

1.  one of my ninja turtles in kindergarten (that's what i call them because all the boys in the family have the names of ninja turtles.  you think i'm kidding, but i'm not.) was sent to the office with a note that said he needed a minute to think because he was disturbing class and called the teacher crazy.  intrigued, i put on my oh-so-serious face and told him he needed to think for a minute and then i would have him come in and talk to me about what happened.  this is the conversation that ensued:
NT:  "i know what you're thinking.  i didn't say it." 
Me:  "didn't say what?"
NT:  "the note says that i said a bad word but i didn't."
Me:  "what bad word did you say?"

NT:  (points to side of head and makes circular motion)  "the boys said i did this, but i didn't do that because that's a bad word.  it's disrespectful.  it would hurt my teacher's feelings and i don't want to do that."
Me:  "you're right.  that is disrespectful and it would hurt your teacher's feelings."
NT:  "yeah.  if you do that, you should get kicked out of school.  it's so mean."
Me:  "well, this note also says that you were disturbing class."
NT:  "yeah.  that part's true."


it was very hard to keep my serious principal face on at that point!


2.  two third grade girls came to my office this afternoon and said, "miss k, we missed you so much over break that we decided to write you notes to tell you."  here they are:

"Dear Miss K, I really missed you over break but now I don't because you're here.  You're the best principal in the school and I think you're nice.  You let us have slush day and in my old school they didn't.  That's why you're the best principal.  Love, N."


"Dear Mrs. K, Happy new year and a very nice Christmas.  God bless you because you are very sweet and nice.  Everyone thinks you are very sweet and nice and beautiful and I love you so much.  Love, A."


nevermind the fact that i'm the only principal in the school.


these are the conversations i choose to remember from today.  i love my students!