coastal graces

we have been here at the beach all week and it has just been delightful.  no, not warm enough to swim in the ocean or even sunbathe, but the perfect place to escape the distractions of home and enjoy one another's company!  here are some glimpses of our time together:

Sea birds lined up on the pier in Southport

Horseshoe Crab shell found on beach walk

One of many beautiful historic homes in Southport

Oak Island Lighthouse

 On our last afternoon at the beach, we were watching the beginning of the sunset and a pod of porpoises  swam by!  What a treat!  My little camera tried very hard to capture their activity...

The week was full of relaxation, reading, talking, playing games, walking, and great food.  Couldn't have asked for a better holiday!

grace in one's first ever white christmas

yes, i went to college in the mountains, where it snowed frequently.  yes, i live in new england, where it snows frequently.  but, dear readers, i must tell you...i have never before experienced a white christmas.  there is something so rare and beautiful about this to me...a rarity i have sung about in many a carol, but never seen with my own eyes.  until now!  the day started as every other christmas i remember- with all of us children-at-heart mozying out of bed and downstairs to see if santa came (although in recent years coffee has taken precedence over presents), followed by the trip to raleigh to share christmas dinner with grandma and granddad...but there was a special wonder in the air as we periodically checked the forecast and wouldn't you know it, as we headed home, the flakes started to fall!  they fell all through the night, and when we woke up the next morning, our front yard was a winter wonderland:

what a joy!  we enjoyed the whole day "snowbound"...spending quality time together, reading, cooking, drinking tea and coffee, and just in awe of the 8.5 inches of beauty that seemed to have magically appeared!  how grateful i am to have finally enjoyed a white christmas...with my family...in the land of sweet tea...a day i never thought we'd actually see!

grace in the messiness of life

this past week has been emotionally draining.  multiple deaths, wakes, funerals...none of them older people who died a "normal" death.  i don't attempt to understand these kinds of tragic events...i'm a feeler, not at thinker, according to myers-briggs.  all i know is how i feel.  and i just feel so sad- sad that the world has lost these wonderful people, sad that i won't ever see their smiling faces again, sad for their children and spouses...sad that this had to happen right before Christmas.  

at mass this morning, father's homily was all about the messiness of life.  he made the connection to the messiness of the holy family's less-than-ideal beginnings...mary pregnant out of wedlock, joseph marrying a young pregnant woman, the savior of the world coming as a tiny, vulnerable baby in a messy stable.  we don't plan for messiness, or expect it, but God constantly surprises us in unexpected ways, and instead of trying to escape the messiness that is life, God wants us to seek him there, because that's where he is...emmanuel...God is with us.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  grant us the grace to seek you in the messiness.

grace in the love, comfort, and acceptance of family

The view at Grandma's house!

this year, although i am thankful for many things (including a wonderful new job that i do love very much), i am concentrating today on how good it feels to be in familiar surroundings with my wonderful family (minus my wonderful sister, although her presence is very much felt).  this is the first time i have seen them since school started, and i have been trying for two days to pinpoint what it is that feels so special about this time in comparison with the other four thanksgivings i've driven down to meet them at this same place, with these same people.

i think it comes down to the simple fact that i feel like i can truly be myself, i can truly relax, and i don't have to worry about complaints or criticism; my family loves me no matter what, they believe in the work i'm doing, and they are proud of me, imperfections, inexperience, and all.  everybody deserves to surround themselves with such wonderfulness on occasion.  don't get me wrong; the people i work with are caring and affirming in their own ways, but i am still working hard everyday to build relationships, to build trust, to gain confidence...and rarely do i feel like i can totally let my guard down, because as soon as i do, somebody comes in needing me to put out yet another fire or complaining about a decision i made.  i feel like i always have to be "on".  here, i can truly turn it all off.  in my mom's loving embrace, my dad's delicious cooking, and my grandma's listening ear, i find the peace of mind that i sometimes forget i am seeking in everyday life.  in this love, comfort, and acceptance, i feel i am receiving the grace i need to make it until the next time i see them- just a short month away.  thank you, God, for family!

grace in a good end to a bad day

i think i can easily say that this past monday was the worst day yet of this first year in this new job.  i won't go into detail, but let's just say that after all was said and done and i was the only one left at school, i closed my office door, closed the blinds, and cried.  a lot.  it had been building up all day and it just wouldn't stay inside anymore.  after a few minutes, i dried my eyes and got back to work- not really feeling better, but at least feeling capable of finishing the day.  after a few more hours of work, i headed home, utterly exhausted, at about 8:45 pm.  even the beautifully lit-up skyline as i crossed the bridge didn't take my breath away like it usually does.  it was just one of those days and it needed to end. 

as i neared my neighborhood, all of a sudden i found myself turning my car into the McDonald's parking lot.  what possessed me to stop there, i really have no idea.  those mystical yellow arches have never had the same effect on me that they have on others i know.  in fact, it's pretty much always my last choice when it comes to fast food, and often i'd rather starve.  but for whatever reason, the universe pulled me through that drive thru, ordered a quarter pounder with cheese, and pulled up to the window. 

imagine my surprise when the mother of one of our first graders greets me at the window!  "do you live around here?" she asked.  i replied yes.  "are you just now coming home from school?" she inquired.  i almost broke down crying again at the sheer pathetic-ness i was feeling, but i managed a sheepish smile.  she refused to let me pay for my meal, told me how great i was doing and how happy her son was, and sent me home.  i found myself weeping tears of joy on the way home- yet again, realizing how blessed i am by this God who loves me so much and knows me so well that he sends me angels at the exact moment i need them most...and sometimes in the most unexpected places.

grace in occasional pampering

i hesitated whether or not to write this entry, because my good old Catholic guilt kicks in and tells me i should be doing something much more important on a day like today...like attending some kind of a service for local veterans or putting together care packages for soldiers abroad or something great like that.  the problem is that i spend all day every day doing important work, so today...i took the day off.  i texted my amazing hairdresser last night and she told me she could squeeze me in today.  it must have been meant to be, because even though they were busy, they were also able to squeeze me in for a pedicure (something i only splurge on for weddings, and yes, i am going to a wedding this weekend) and an eyebrow wax.  i mean, really...what are the chances?  i realize that this meant i was spending money i don't really have for these kinds of luxuries, but can i just say that as i lay there getting my scalp massaged during the pre-cut shampoo, i was pretty much in a state of bliss.  and warm water and exfoliating scrub on my poor little feet?  i don't know exactly what heaven is like, but i'm fairly certain there are pedicures there.  i sat there, reading one of my favorite books, soaking in the experience, and i just felt incredibly overwhelmed with gratitude for the opportunity to splurge on such luxury- and to have the time (the most precious luxury of all) to do it!  i'm pretty sure anytime one is overwhelmed with gratitude, grace plays a part.  so thank you, God, for a job that not only allows for the occasional luxury, but that i also love going to each day.  thank you, veterans, for your dedication and sacrifices.  thank you, country, for honoring veterans with a day off.  thank you, sam, for making room for me in your schedule.  thank you, grace, for not allowing me to take it all for granted.

not at my school...

i've heard stories before of teachers that send home teddy bears or the equivalent with one student each week and they have to write about the bear's adventures at their homes in a notebook, share with the class, pass it on.  cute.

not at my school.  at my school, a plastic statue of our lady of fatima goes home with the 2nd graders and goes on all kinds of adventures with the little ones...they think it's the greatest thing ever, and so do i!  it's amazing how sacred she is to all of them- i hope they can hold onto that reverence forever!

no problem, God.

i should preface this by warning that my attitude in this post is purely satirical.  i totally get that i had nothing to do with this, but it cracks me up, nonetheless.  God works in mysterious ways...

for those of you who don't know, i made a major faux pas during the first month of school by replacing the chocolate milk with white milk.  here i went, thinking i was making one tiny little change on the path to health for my kids, not realizing that i was going to really make some people mad.  the teachers were the first to complain.  the kids were still kind of shy and getting to know me, so they didn't really say anything...they just wasted their milk everyday rather than drinking it.  eventually i decided this wasn't a battle i was ready to fight- at least not in this way- and gave in and ordered chocolate milk.

a dad told me the other day that he and his daughters pray everyday before they get out of the car to come into the building.  on one particular day, his daughter prayed that i would change my mind and order chocolate milk again, "realizing that it was better than no milk at all!"  apparently she was so adamant that even after the prayer was over, she looked up at the sky and said, "do you hear me, God?  i hope you're listening!"

well, timing sure is funny...that very day was the first day i had ordered the chocolate milk.  apparently the girl got in the car that afternoon with a huge grin on her face, beaming with a renewed faith in her loving Lord and savior.

no problem, God.  glad i could help you out on this one :)

grace in young minds

sorry i've been MIA lately.  we had our accreditation visit at school and i have been doing nothing other than that for the last few weeks.  i'm happy to announce that it is now over and i am back to my regularly-scheduled day-to-day insanity!

i've had several occasions lately on which to chat with little ones about God, faith, heaven, etc.  just had to share...

upon reading a book called If Jesus Came to My House..., 2nd graders wrote their own pages.  excerpts include:

• If Jesus came to my house, I would make him tea and cookies.  Then we could read a story.
• If Jesus came to my house, I hope he could swim, because I would want to take him in my pool.  (Shouldn't be a problem...he can walk on water!)
• If Jesus came to my house, I would tell him we had to go to Applebee's, because it tastes better than what my mom makes.

sooooo cute!  and not a single mention of tv, nintendo ds, or any other electronic device!

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i happened to walk in the other day when 7th grade was discussing the gospel writers.  they took some time to tell me what they had learned about each one.  i asked them if they ever wondered what it must have been like to have lived when Jesus did- to have actually eaten with him and talked with him and hung out like friends.  they thought for a minute and then one replied, "as sad as it is, i bet the people who did live with him didn't fully appreciate him at the time.  they probably had no idea how good they had it."  to which another replied, "kind of like us today."

these kids...so deep!

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a particularly feisty 1st grader was running around the church during choir practice the other day, rather than sitting in the pew with her peers singing.  she ran up on the altar and it looked like she was playing with the flowers around the statue of Mary.  i walked up to her and explained that they are only for looking, not for touching.  to which she responded, "but miss k, i was just smelling them.  they smell so good.  i think they must be what heaven smells like."  

sigh.  what do you say to that?

out of the mouths of babes...

grace in controlled chaos

controlled chaos.  a term i've heard used often to describe the magic that happens everyday in classrooms.  after finishing my first week as a principal, however, i have a whole new understanding of it on a macro-level.  let me explain.

while i am no longer the person immediately responsible for twenty-something pre-adolescents every minute of the day,  i am now ultimately responsible for two hundred-plus children- their overall well-being, the quality of the education they are receiving, their parents' satisfaction, etc.  i'm also responsible for the twenty-ish adults who work in the building- for their well-being, for their relative happiness and job satisfaction, etc.  i'm also responsible for a century-old building and all of the fun that accompanies it.


what this looks like on a daily basis is me constantly on the move.  there is no "typical day", but here is a glance at one of my days last week:
7:00  Daily Mass
7:30  Walk around outside, greeting students and parents, answering questions, etc.
7:45  Accompany pre-k and k classes inside in an attempt to minimize tears and clingy parents
8:00  Help students lead prayer over the intercom
8:10  Check in with secretary; make sure she's not totally overwhelmed yet
8:20  Make rounds, greet each class, check in with each teacher
9:00  Deal with kindergartener who is hiding in the coat closet and refusing to come out
9:15  Check back in with secretary; attempt to not act overwhelmed when she hands me six phone messages for people I need to call back; attempt to return said calls
10:00  Meet with parent who doesn't understand paperwork for lunch program
10:30  Meet with parent who needs additional financial aid
11:00  Attempt to check email while aforementioned kindergartener sits at table in my office because he refuses to go back to his classroom
11:15  FedEx delivery of more textbooks; unpack boxes, deliver books to classrooms
11:30  Check in with first round of students having lunch out in the hall
11:45  Speak briefly with pastor who stops by to check in
12:00  Check in with second round of lunch
12:30  Check in with final round of lunch
12:45  Get four new phone messages from secretary; too overwhelmed to call back, I sit down and try to eat at least part of my lunch before something else gets thrown my way
1:00  Take 7th graders over to church to practice for Mass they are leading next week
1:30  Pre-k teacher comes into office with two students who were biting each other; previous policy was that biters immediately went home, no questions asked.  Decide quickly that this isn't fair since we haven't informed parents of this yet this year.  Tell teacher to send home warning, add policy description to this week's newsletter.
1:45  Attempt to respond to a few emails (only get to 2 out of 17)
2:10  Help students lead closing prayer and announcements over the intercom
2:15 Go outside with pre-k and k classes to help with dismissal, speak to mother of aforementioned kindergartener about ideas to help him transition more easily
2:45  Get back inside to be attacked by 5 teachers in a row needing different things
3:00  Find out what needs to be done before tomorrow from secretary before she leaves for the day; begin getting said things done.
7:00  Head home


Here's the thing: I don't want to jinx it, but right now, I'm thriving on the constant bombardment of different things.  Not only is everyday different, but every minute is different.  I never know what's coming next, and I love it.  It's energizing.  And relatively speaking, I've been able to handle everything that's come my way so far, in a relatively controlled manner.  Let's hope that's not just beginner's luck.

grace after grace after grace

all day long.  thank God, some days are like that!

• driving to school on a beautiful clear morning, with the pinkish-orange sun coming up and reflecting on the charles (oh how i love thee, storrow drive!), windows down, hair drying in the breeze.

• as i'm pulling into town, i drive past the bus stop.  an extremely inebriated woman (at 6:30 am- yikes) yells out to me, "HEYYYYYY!!!"  i smiled and said hi back (what else to do?).  she yelled back, "God bless you, ma'am!  have a great day!"  what better way to start one's day?  i mean, really.
• went to daily mass before school.  message: our words must be kind and our actions must reflect our words.  solid.
• came out of mass to children and parents everywhere.  walked around introducing myself and welcoming the kids.  loved speaking spanish!
• got to help numerous kindergarten students find their classroom...soooo precious.  did i mention i have the cutest kids ever?
• led morning prayer over the intercom (yay for figuring out the intercom, which appears to be older than my grandma!) and met with a mother whose husband has recently lost his job and she begged for a scholarship.  it was so humbling.  she started crying in my office and said she'd do anything she could- even clean bathrooms.  there are few things more inspiring than parents who so desperately want their children to receive a catholic education that they are willing to scrub toilets.
• saw a friend of mine who used to teach gym at my old school...his daughter is at my new school.  he told me their commute is so long that they were planning to pull her out and put her in public schools there, but when they found out i was coming, they decided she had to stay.  yeah, i definitely almost started crying right then and there.
• went around to visit every classroom.  helped kindergarten take a "field trip" to the bathroom.  listened to a story with 2nd grade.  3rd grade was writing letters to Jesus.  it was so great it felt surreal.  too good to be true.
• two deliveries- a lucky bamboo plant from my amazing mentor from last year and 2 dozen roses from my parents for our foyer...so sweet!  and added to some beautiful cards i've received this week from dear friends...i am so blessed.
• at dismissal a little girl in 4th grade gave me a homemade card in an envelope that said, "welcome ms. k--we love you and are glad you're here!"  can i just say precious one last time?
• we had an awesome cpr training this afternoon, with the exception of one of my teachers getting really sick, feeling faint, and having an irregular heartbeat.  we called an ambulance and they're keeping her in the hospital overnight, but think she'll be fine.  it was really scary, but thank God there were plenty of people (including a trained emt) around who could help.  also, after she left, we all came together and prayed.  talk about getting thrown into the role of spiritual leader!
• pretty sure the day couldn't have been any better.  well, maybe if i had gotten home before 6pm.  but other than that, pretty perfect!

grace in unexpected bargains

today was a great day.  and it's only 1:08 pm.  it started with teacher appreciation day at staples, followed by a yard sale around the corner from my house, and a trip to home depot to buy paint for the bathrooms at school.  i got some good deals at each place, but my true blessing of the day was in a set of five (count them- FIVE) of these chairs (normally priced at $87.36 each) for fifty bucks.  we have been re-vamping our office at school, and really need some tables and chairs to spruce things up and bring ourselves into this century. 

what we had before was functional, i'll say that, but i've realized how much i am really mentally affected by my surroundings, and aesthetics are important, i don't care what anyone says.  it makes a big difference to walk into a clutter-free, organized, reasonably updated office rather than the opposite.  we're not totally there yet, but we're on our way, and someone told me recently that direction is more important than speed, so i'm going with it.  i think there's a lot of wisdom in that little saying!  the chairs we had before looked more or less like this:


yeah...little bit of money spent = big mental health savings.  thank you, God, for good bargains and nice neighbors!

graceful productivity

i have to (sadly) admit that since i started my new job six weeks ago, every day has been relatively tough.  meaning, i come home exhausted and with a headache- everyday.  thanks be to God, i am thrilled to share that today was different.  of course, there was still the normal chaos and non-stop activity, but today also brought two wonderful meetings with teachers, and a quiet afternoon of solid work. 

today i accomplished all of the following:

• followed directions from the technology guy over the phone and fixed our internet when it was down (this was a source of great pride for me, i'm not gonna lie)
• registered a new student
• translated four posters and 14 bulletin announcements into Spanish
• created a master schedule for all special classes for the coming years
• set up meetings with the teachers i have not yet met with
• caught 6 mice in traps
• created a to-do list for the next two weeks before school starts
• hired a music teacher
• set up volunteers to help distribute textbooks and move things that need to be moved the rest of this week
• broke into a locked closet (couldn't find the key) and found a missing step stool for the nuns
• got an estimate on new flooring for the middle school hallway
• dealt with two not-so-happy parents over the phone and (i think) took care of things
• probably a lot of other things that i can't think of right now

the result:  i left school (albeit at 6:45 pm) tonight feeling accomplished, worthwhile, somewhat in control, and headache-free.  here's hoping for many more days like today!

eat. pray. love.

it's been a bestseller for years.  now it's a box office hit, thanks to julia roberts.  something inside me says it's much more than a book and a movie.  you may disagree with me completely- and you reserve the right to your own opinion- there is plenty of criticism out there for this book/movie/woman/story.  i guess i just feel like, at its heart, it's a story about the journey toward oneself, which is ultimately a journey we can all relate to.  no, we don't all experience the pain of divorce...but we all experience pain.  no, we don't all run to italy to stuff ourselves with pasta, but we all seek some type of pleasure to numb the pain.  no, we don't all buy into eastern religious practices at the drop of a hat, but we all seek God in our own ways.  finally, we don't all travel to bali to hang out with a toothless medicine man and end up finding love, but we often return to the place where we first recognized truth, and we often find love when we give up looking for it.  there is something very universal about this story.  her story is my story- and your story. 

it reminds me of another story i've been reading lately...the story of a franciscan priest who walked the camino.  was he running away after a bitter divorce?  no, he chose to walk the camino in thanksgiving for 10 years of being a priest and the many blessings in his life during that time.  completely different motivations- very similar journey.  the journey inward.  the journey to oneself.  the journey to God.  in "eat pray love", the main character is searching for God, and is struck when told, "God lives in you- as you."  it's the age-old story of searching the world to find what you had all along- what changes in the process is you.  you develop new eyes- a new heart- a new attitude- and suddenly you can see/feel/appreciate/love that which you have always had. 

i was thinking about this wisdom- eat. pray. love.  i think there is something to it.  and all i can think about is the prayer and love involved in eating, and the nourishment and love involved in prayer, and the hunger and prayer involved in loving.  they are all so inter-woven.  take the last supper, for example (let's be honest- if you're going to use a meal as an example, that's the one to use!).  yes, there was eating (at least, bread was broken, right?).  but there was so much love present at that table- among jesus and his friends.  and where two or more are gathered...clearly the whole meal was one big prayer, as jesus reminded/foretold his disciples the essence of what he really wanted them to remember...God was definitely present there.  and every time i go to mass and receive the eucharist, yes, i am eating bread (transformed into jesus' body), but i'm also praying, loving, and receiving divine love.  take it down a notch.  thanksgiving dinner with the family.  lots of eating.  prayers of gratitude, whether spoken or not.  and don't even try to tell me that you don't just overflow with love as you look around the table and realize what a great gift you have in those people around you.  in shared meals, we come hungry and broken.  we leave full and whole.  eat.  pray.  love.  maybe it really is that simple.

grace in days off

my mom and grandma have always lived by mother cabrini's quote, "we have all of eternity in which to rest; now let us work!"

don't get me wrong, i love to work hard- especially at work worth doing, which is how i think of the work expected of me everyday.  most of the time, i love what i do.

but it's summer, gosh darn it, and sometimes you just need a day off!

this week has been such a gift of grace to me.  they are doing the floors at school, an annual event that every teacher dreads (because it means getting everything off the floor and ready to be moved) and every administrator loves (because it means "working from home" or not working at all!).  my week has been a balance of the two.  i have been checking voicemail and email and responding as much as i can with the resources i have here at home, as well as doing some planning, ordering of school supplies, etc.  but i've also done a lot of sitting around in my pj's, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, running errands and just generally taking care of myself and doing the things i don't normally have/make time for.  not quite the adventures that ferris chose for his day off, but perfect for me.

it has been divine.

tomorrow, i'm going in to school to check on the progress  the floors and do some work at school that i can't do here at home.  even though i know it's going to be a long day, i'm actually excited to get in there and get busy.  that's the grace of a day off...mental rest, relaxation, and preparation for the next day on.

grace for tough conversations

this is something i've been praying for a lot lately.  for some reason, those tough conversations have been coming my way in a fast and furious manner.  some work-related, some faith-related...whatever the topic, they're never easy.  but nine times out of ten, you do feel better afterwards, if you were able to say what you needed to say- and hear what the other person needed to say- with grace.

this woman says what i'm saying in a much more specific and eloquent fashion.  this is one of my favorite blogs to follow, so if you've never checked it out, please do!  a great reminder of how important it is that we 1) continue to have the tough conversations, and 2) pray for grace when speaking and listening.

inspiring grace

i've been at a conference for the last two days related to leadership for new ways of learning.  today one of the presentations was about spiritual leadership, charism, and mission.  i was inspired to do some research on my new school and its own charism when i got home, and wouldn't you know...i found so many interesting things!

1. our charism actually originates in two places.  first, with our patron saint, rose of lima, who was of the dominican order of st. cecilia.  second, with the nuns who teach in our school (who started our school) are the sisters of providence, whose foundress was st. mother theodore guerin.

2.  the characteristics of these beloved nuns and saints include:

-trust in God's loving Providence

-giving of oneself to God and others in works of love, mercy, and justice

-seeking strength in God in the face of difficulty

-reaching beyond oneself; awareness of the needs in the world

-joyful spirit

-courage; risk-taking

-love of the cross; redemption in suffering

-pride in and loyalty to community

-simplicity; detachment; poverty

3.  and i'll leave you with two inspiring quotes that i came across...

"Breaking boundaries, creating hope"

"Without the burden of afflictions, it is impossible to reach the height of grace."

grace-filled beginnings

new look for a new beginning...i love the birds!  to be perfectly honest, i've never really liked birds, but in the last month or so have had several strange encounters with them, and therefore am beginning to feel an affinity- especially toward small chickadees that seem to be able to say so much, just be tilting their heads a certain way!

so, much has happened since my last post.  the biggest news is that i am now employed!  no contract or paycheck yet, but my picture and bio were in the church bulletin last week, so that's gotta count for something, right?  :)  i am so thrilled to know that i am the new leader of a school community that undoubtedly has a great deal to teach me, but also one which my heart is burning with a desire to serve.  i already know that the road ahead is filled with challenges, but i also know that i can choose how to respond to those challenges, and that my response will affect others' responses.  there is without a doubt a need for great changes, but there is also much to celebrate and maintain.

i am many things right now- anxious, apprehensive, thrilled, excited, uncertain...but mostly grateful.  it took a long time to get to this point, which makes it all that sweeter to know that this is where i am supposed to be.  i have already been welcomed with open arms into this community, and the outgoing principal has really taken me under her wing and done her best to tell me and show me everything she can so that i don't come in blind.

i have been reading a book by henri nouwen lately called Can You Drink the Cup? and it is really challenging me to think about not only this specific ministry of school leadership that i have been called to, but the greater calling of being a christian.  it is based on the passage in the 20th chapter of the gospel according to matthew where Jesus asks James and John, "Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?"  nouwen proposes three actions, the last of which is the actual drinking.  first comes holding, then lifting, and finally, drinking.  he takes these actions from what Jesus does on the night of the Last Supper.  i guess what i am most taking from this so far is how NOT easy it is to do this task that we are called to do; to drink the same cup that Jesus drank.  and knowing how challenging it can be, to make the decision and the commitment over and over again to hold, lift, and drink- is nothing short of amazing, and absolutely requires grace.

i feel a bit as if i am all over the place in this post, and i apologize.  my mind has been spinning as in the past week i have received over 30 emails from the principal i am replacing, i have spent a day with my new staff doing professional development, i have said goodbye to my old staff and mentor, finished the year at my old school, said goodbye to our beloved family dog, and attended a conference.  it's all beginning to happen so fast, and it will require a significant amount of grace from God and self-control on my part to keep it from spinning out of control before the school year even actually begins!  i am going home next week to just relax a bit and hang out with my family, so that should be a nice bridge from my life as a student to my life as a principal!  hopefully i can come back rejuvenated and ready to get to work building God's kingdom here on earth!  (what a task!)     

grace to have courage

i know God has given me some wonderful gifts, and i say that with a humble heart, but y'all- courage was not one of them.  in fact, you may as well just call me the cowardly lion.  we even both have curly hair.

i've been thinking about this a lot lately, and wishing i were braver, more courageous, more willing to do what needs to be done, no matter the consequence.  but i just think too much.  i weigh the options- and the consequences- and i get scared and nervous and talk myself out of it- whatever "it" is.  i wish i could think of a specific example, but it's not so much the big things as the little ones- the person who just needs to hear the truth, but you really don't want to be the one to tell them- the little change you could make in your life that might have a great impact, but you can't bring yourself to do it- the will to keep believing in the good when it seems like everywhere you turn, there is bad. 

i've been reading the help lately, kathryn stockett's first novel.  i love it, but i am warning all of you out there that are dealing with sadness in your lives- don't read it.  not yet.  there's a lot of sadness in this book.  that being said, some of the characters in this book are the most courageous women i've ever met.  okay, so technically i haven't actually met them, but you know what i mean.  it takes place in the 1960s in jackson, mississippi, and it is the story of the black women who go to work everyday for white women, cleaning their houses and raising their children.  beyond that, it is the story of them staring danger, violence, and even death in the face and refusing to be scared.  or maybe it's not so much that they're not scared, but rather that they are so tired of being silent and letting things go unquestioned that they suck up the fear and do what they think needs to be done- not as much for them as for their own children.  i read about these women and think about all of the people in this world throughout history who have had courage i dare not even dream of, and i am just in awe. 

i know the bible says to "be not afraid" and "be of good courage", and in my head, it makes sense that i have nothing to fear because God is walking beside me always and God's strength is my strength, but...but...

my dear friend kim was watching oprah not long ago and sent me this quote that she said: "i believe we're born into this world trailing grace."  i have been thinking about it ever since, knowing that i would eventually write about it.  i don't know what oprah meant by it, but to me, it means one of two things.  either grace is always just beyond us, something we can only dream of catching up with on our best days...or it's paving the way, giving us direction, beckoning us forward, and leaving traces of itself behind for us, to help us when we need it most.  i choose to believe the latter, which means there is always hope- and maybe tomorrow will bring with it just a little bit more courage than today.

grace in tears

i used to cry.  all the time.  in fact, i would go so far as to say i was known for crying at the drop of a hat.  people used to give me a really hard time for being so sensitive.  i saw it as a curse that i felt things so deeply that my body was actually moved to tears.  several years ago, i made up my mind to change.  to harden.  to de-sensitize.  i didn't cry for a very long time.  it worked so well that even when i wanted to cry to show my sadness, i couldn't.  i don't remember exactly when i got my tears back, but it was shortly after moving to boston.  one day, the floods just came.  and they kept coming.  they especially like to come in public places like movie theatres and churches.  i respond to them differently now, though.  i appreciate them.  i realize that they are simply an outward symbol of the internal compassion i am able to feel for those who experience suffering.  my meditation class this semester has helped me to have a new perspective on what compassion really means- to suffer with someone.  not just to feel sorry for them.  not just to say a prayer and move on.  not to tell them it'll be okay and numb yourself.  but to really feel, in your own way, what they are feeling.  

unfortunately, i have had several occasions recently that have moved me to tears.  not just a little trickle down the cheek, but sobbing that doesn't stop until you realize you can't breathe and there is no saline left in your body.  i weep because i wish that it weren't so.  i weep because dear friends of mine have to endure such pain and loss, and there is nothing i can do to help.  i weep because life is too short.  maybe i hope that in some tiny way, my willingness to feel the pain will take away a tiny fraction of theirs- lighten their load, even to the slightest degree.  

i have always been fascinated by the wailing wall, a most holy and sacred place in jerusalem where jewish people (and others) go to pray.  it is customary to slip a note with a written prayer into a crevice along the wall.  in The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, one of my favorite books, one of the characters, May, builds her own wailing wall in the backyard as a way of coping with the pain she deeply feels for everyone who suffers.  any time she hears something on the news or in a conversation, she writes it on a piece of paper and goes and sticks it in the wall with tears streaming down her face.  in the end, she cannot cope with all of the pain and suffering that she bears on behalf of the world.  who possibly could?  the lesson i learned from her, though, is the importance of feeling, and not trying to hide your feelings or reject them, but letting them live themselves out.  i have been reading Plan B by Anne Lamott lately.  she says at one point that holding your breath is the ultimate withholding, because you aren't taking anything in or letting anything out.  for me, trying not to cry feels like i am withholding myself- some core part of who i am and a gift i have been given.  i can't do it and talk about living an authentic life.  i have to let the rivers flow, feel the sorrow, and breathe.  thank you, God, for the grace to feel, to cry, and to know that it's okay (john 11:35). 

grace in angels

so...my last post was about the power of prayer, and i haven't posted in the last few days because although i absolutely believe in the power of prayer, sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to.  i did the last post on friday, and sometime during the night, my best friend kim spiked a fever and acquired an infection that sent them into the hospital.  if you want to read the story, you can at her blog, but i will just say that after a grueling labor and delivery, little tobias joseph was born silently that evening.  my heart just breaks for them, having only an inkling of the emotional weight they must be carrying after losing their sweet boy- only compounded by the grief resurfacing from the loss of their first child, sweet natalie claire.  

i came across a painting called "tobias and the angel" that i wanted to share with you.  all afternoon on saturday, as kim was in labor, i was praying for tobias' angels to surround and protect him.  i know one of those angels is his big sister, and i believe another is our mutual friend becky, who died from a brain tumor exactly six years ago to the day- may 1, 2004.  in the bible, tobias is guarded by the archangel raphael.  

angels are something i went through a brief obsession with earlier in life (middle school, i think it was), but haven't thought much about recently.  i can never remember what the church officially says about them and how they rank, but honestly, i don't really care.  to me, they are the connection between heaven and earth.  my mom's always been fond of angels and i can't help but think that it's just something you need for your own sanity when you become a mom- to believe that there are angels watching over your children when they aren't with you (even when they are).  imagining sweet toby surrounded by angels and saints and Jesus and his heavenly mother, Mary is one of the only things that brings me any consolation; i hope it helps kim too, although i'm sure she would give anything to have both of her children here with her, like it should be.

yesterday i was having a rough day, finding it really hard to focus on my work and think about anything other than my dear friend and her suffering.  i was feeling horrible that i live so far away and can't be there to do all of the things that i know other people are doing- cooking meals, cleaning house, running errands- the distance makes me feel helpless.  i know she understands and wants me to be where i am supposed to be, but times like this make it tough.  i know that praying and spreading the word so that others can pray is one important thing i can do, and i have been trying to do it as best i can.  i really was just longing to be able to do something to help, though.  then, last night, i was sitting on the front porch talking to my mom on the phone when a sweet old golden retriever strolled down the street, up our walk, and laid down next to me on the porch.  she was beautiful, but you could tell by the white around her face and her trouble getting up the stairs that she was old.  i told my mom i had to go and just sat there, petting the dog.  it was already a special moment, but then i looked at the tags and saw that her name was "angel."  i just started crying as i was talking to my sweet angel and trying to comfort her and make her feel welcome when clearly she was lost.  it hit me that she was here so that i could do something and be helpful.  she needed me to give her some love and then walk her home.  and i needed to be able to do something- technically for the dog, but it was my love for kim, brandon, and toby that i was pouring our onto this four-legged friend.  

angels come in all forms.  i know some of you reading this blog don't like animals, but i'm telling you, i believe with all my heart that that dog was sent to me from above- my angel.  kim and brandon, know that i am sending you all the love in the world with every thought and prayer and wishing it weren't so.  toby, i know you miss your parents, but your sister will take good care of you and both of you can look out for your mommy and daddy until the glorious day many years from now when you will all be reunited again.

"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."

-Hebrews 13:2

grace in prayer

the sweetest thing happened to me today.  i was at school and one of the first grade teachers said, "miss keeton, we have to tell you something!"  i quickly went over and the class told me that they had been praying for me- not just to find a job, but to find a "GREAT" job!  the teacher clarified that what they meant by that was, "a job that's close, that pays a lot of money, and that will make me very happy."  one little boy shouted out, "i even pray for you at home at night, before i go to bed!"  how adorable is that?  i almost started crying right there.  i mean, i feel like God listens to kids.  i know, God listens to everyone.  but for sure kids.  this job search has been quite the process and i am really starting to grow weary of it, so i look forward to that call, so i can tell those first graders how God answered their prayers (and mine!).  this picture isn't of them, but i thought it was a nice (albeit old school) image of kids praying in school.

beyond my own situation, prayer has played a big part in the life of my best friend from college recently as well.  she has been on bed rest for the last five weeks now, trying her best to do everything in her power to protect her little baby boy, who is growing inside her.  she is amazing and i have so much admiration for her.  throughout all of this, she has not complained or anything- she just wants her baby to be okay.  she truly believes that he still is growing and has a strong heartbeat because of all of the prayers that her friends, family, and even strangers who have read her blog, are saying for her and her husband and their little one.  the faith that is getting her through this is truly remarkable, considering that last year she lost her first child, a baby girl, without being able to carry her to term.  i have to say that this whole situation, which has defied the odds to an incredible extent, renews my faith daily.  truly it is faith, hope, and love that are keeping this fragile life safe and healthy.

they say good things come in threes...my family's friend who has had major heart issues, is only 20 years old, and has a 1 year old baby girl, received a new heart yesterday, after many people's many prayers!  i am happy to report that she is doing okay, and so far, no sign of rejection.   keep those prayers coming!  God is good.  no wait, God is GREAT!

grace in little people

soooo...yesterday was a great day.  for a lot of reasons.  the most prominent being that i passed my comprehensive exams for my program, which officially means i can graduate.  while i studied a lot for them and fully expected to pass them, i think i had a pretty healthy anxiety about the whole situation, knowing that at least one of the professors would not just see this as a formality, but would really make me work for that little piece of paper.  let's just say...i was glad i prepared! 

it was such a relief to get them over with, and then i was so happy because i got to spend the rest of the night with two of my favorite little people.  when i got there to babysit (aka hang out), there were beautiful tulips on the table, and my little "almost four"-year-old friend had made some downright adorable cards.  i walked in to hear, "caitlin, your favorite colors are yellow and purple, right?"  even if i hated yellow and purple, i couldn't have said anything other than yes! 

later that evening, we were putting together a big floor puzzle about the human body and i asked him what his favorite body part was (dangerous question, i realize in hindsight!).  his response:  "the small intestine!"  duh.  who doesn't love the small intestine?  this kid is just amazing.  i can only hope that i have one as great as him someday.  i was just thinking how cool it has been to watch him grow up.  i got to hold him when he was just about a week old, and here he is in preschool, teaching me about the digestive system! 

there is something so magical and mystical and spiritual and life-giving about early childhood.  i used to think that preschool teachers were saints and couldn't imagine how they dealt with accidents and the incessant questions.   i'm starting to think they have the best job out there.  it's like being surrounded by pure excitement ALL the time.  everything is new and filled with wonder, waiting to be explored. (okay, i'm probably idealizing it just a bit.)

god, give me the eyes of a three-year-old so that i can see your glory in everything i encounter!

Birthday Grace

As far as birthdays go, I'd say this one was pretty great.  I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't really looking forward to it.  I've been sick.  I had a midterm to finish.  My computer hard drive "failed" this weekend.  I woke up to major rain and ickiness.  I knew I'd have to go to class from 4:30-9:30.  It wasn't looking good.  Enter grace.

I woke up to a text message sent at 2am from a dear friend- my first official birthday wish!  My dear roommate snuck a card and a bag of Reese's (my favorite candy) onto my pillow while I was in the shower.  My parents called before going to work to sing "Happy Birthday" to me.  All day long, I got emails and text messages and phone calls...some from people that I haven't talked to in forever!  I was able to go to Mass and lunch with a close friend.  I had time to get all of my work done.  I got a bunch of real cards in the snail mail.  And oh the Facebook messages!  Wow.  I know that a FB message doesn't mean the world, but the sheer number was just overwhelming.  This many people thought about me today and sent a wish for happiness.

Overwhelmed is I think the best word, truly, to describe how I feel right now.  In a good way, you know- I am overwhelmed with love.  I feel like I could do anything and just run off this love!  So, one of my favorite things about birthdays is a tradition my dear friend Karen taught me- the birthday questions.  In an attempt to take this day to look back and forward, I will share my birthday answers here.

1. Describe the day you were born.

Well, it was a cold day in March, in the mountains of North Carolina.  My poor mom had been in labor for thirty-three hours.  I just didn't want to come out.  Finally, I was born at about 9:00 in the morning- as my mom always said, "just in time for Sesame Street!"  My maternal grandparents were in Australia at the time, and my parents had to send them a telegram on the Great Barrier Reef!  This telegram is still in my baby book :)

2. Describe a favorite birthday.

Hands down, my first year of teaching.  My kids planned an entire birthday party without me knowing.  I seriously was totally clueless.  (I have to admit, this worried me slightly in retrospect- that they would be able to extensively plan such an event under my nose without me knowing it...what else were they doing without me knowing???)  Anyway, I got called to the library and an aide popped in briefly.  Little did I know, this was so they could string up streamers, light candles on a cake, and get everything set up.  When I got back, they all went crazy, singing and yelling and just being SO excited- that it was my birthday, maybe- but mostly I think they were excited that I was genuinely so surprised.  I felt so loved.

Birthdays during my three UCTC years were also pretty great, because they were accompanied by affirmations.  I mean, when else do you get to sit and listen to a room full of people telling you why you are special to them and what they love about you?  So great.

3. What will you remember about the last year?

- Going on the Camino with my mom, brother, and sister
- Moving out of the convent and into a house!!!
- Doing my administrative practicum and learning a LOT about what it means to be a principal
- My parents' 30th Anniversary party with extended family and friends
- Earthquakes in Haiti and Chile
- Becoming a lector at my church
- Helping to plan a national conference last summer
- Being asked to bake communion bread for a friend's wedding
- LOTS of friends' pregnancies!

4.  What are you looking forward to in the coming year?

- Being offered a job as a principal, and having the opportunity to put everything I've learned into practice!
- Whatever else God has in store!

28 years...a significant amount of time, and yet, just a grain of sand in the hourglass of time.  Looking forward to the next 28!  Thank you, God, for birthday grace.  I am so blessed to be so loved.

grace in irony

irony, noun: unintended connection with truth, that goes strikingly beyond the most simple and evident meaning of words or actions
of course i made the comment on here yesterday that i wanted to record the abundance of grace in my life for days when it was not as visible.  and of course, today ended up being one of those days. 

that's not fair.  i should say that today was actually a quite perfect day- beautiful weather, quality time with a friend, time to catch up on work, a thought-provoking documentary, st. patrick's day(although i didn't really celebrate it for the first time in as long as i can remember) - until i got an email this afternoon saying that i was not selected as a finalist for the job i interviewed for yesterday.  immediately i couldn't see any of the grace from today or yesterday or any day; i just felt overwhelmed with doubt and rejection.

until guess what?

i got an email from my brother that turned it all around.  i'm copying it below because i can't adequately describe the sense of peace it gave me.  the hint he's referring to in the beginning is an opening at my old elementary school in fayetteville (st. patrick's).  here it is:

Hey Cait,
first, happy ST. PATRICK'S day! i'm sure you got the hint... anyways, i just wanted to tell you to keep moving forward, have confidence in yourself and your abilities and trust in others' judgment, you'll get a job, and you'll be great at it... you excel in everything that you do and these morons who decided to hire someone else didn't do it because the other candidate was better, they did it because they don't know you, all they know is the excellent academic, social, and work record on your resume and what they found out in a damn interview... theyre scared to take a chance on a youngin' but there is no doubt in my mind you are destined for greatness... all you need is a f'in chance!!!!!!!!! keep trying, your hard work will pay off,  i'll stay frustrated for you...
love you,
love, will

slightly inappropriate?  yes.  completely biased?  totally.  grace?  absolutely.  

thank you, God, even on tough days, for making your presence known. 

grace abounds!

seriously...it's just everywhere!  in the last week, i've encountered so much grace i can't possibly write a blog entry for each thing.  check it out:

• my dear friends who have been praying for a baby for six years and told their chances are slim to none recently found out they are 8 weeks pregnant!  they are thrilled beyond belief and credit God's grace for this little miracle which has already brought them so much joy.
• another dear friend is pregnant for the second time after tragically losing her first baby girl last year.  she is feeling well and just felt the baby move for the first time...14 weeks!  that reassurance that all is well as that little life continues to grow can only be described as grace.
• my dear friends who are pregnant with their first child after getting married less than two years ago came to visit this weekend.  it was so great to see them and have the gift of sharing quality time- a common love language :)  you know how people sarcastically say, "thank you for gracing us with your presence"?  well, no sarcasm here- their presence truly brought grace to my life! 
• another dear friend is pregnant for the first time and, although she is considered "high risk" because of her age, all is going well, and they just found out they are having a sweet baby girl!  grace abounds in healthy moms and healthy babies!
• wow!  i have a lot of growing bellies in my life!  what a blessing to have so many dear friends with wonderful, loving husbands, who are not only great examples to me of marriage, but now also of motherhood.  these ladies have struggled, laughed, cried, and been stretched on many levels as their bodies, minds, and spirits prepare for the next phase in life, but throughout it all they remain steadfast in their faith and in their love.  i am so blessed.  all of these pregnancies have really got me thinking about the miracle of life- and what a miracle it truly is!  i think sometimes we hear about so many easy pregnancies with healthy babies that we forget just that they aren't all that way.  if we truly saw our own lives for the gifts and miracles that they are, how would we live differently on a day-to-day basis?
• after four days of nonstop rain, to the point where many streets in boston were flooded and impassable, i woke up this morning to sun and a bright blue sky!  i think that was about all my spirit could take of that kind of weather (bless you who live in seattle!), and am so grateful to be graced with such a beautiful day!
• i had yet another interview today.  although i don't want to jinx it, i have to say that this one felt really different to me.  maybe part of it is that i'm starting to find my rhythm and get a good feel for how to best express myself in an interview setting.  but part of it was definitely that i just got a very different vibe from this place.  the people were friendly.  when i was waiting, the church secretary started chatting with me about the weather and how long she's lived in lawrence and how excited they are that tomorrow's st. patrick's day since they are st. patrick's parish.  then i went in, and everyone was just as nice as they could be, smiling, explaining who they were and where they were from...the questions were all ones i'd heard before and was prepared to answer, although i tried to do so in very honest, authentic ways.  i don't know if i can really put a finger on what was different, but i could see myself as part of this community.  it just felt right.  even if they don't offer me the job, although i will actually legit be disappointed this time, i really am just grateful to have had such a positive interview experience- one that i walked into feeling good and out of feeling good.  can't ask for much more than that!  it probably helped that i had my grandma's whole bible study group praying for me during that hour :)
• i have really just been overwhelmed with the amazing people in my life lately.  so many mentors- professional mentors and life mentors- people who encourage me and see that which i sometimes cannot see in myself, and lead by example so that i have direction and guidance for the kind of person i want to become.  an incredible family, who desperately tries to keep up with my crazy life, even across the miles.  a God who loves me so much that he died- on a cross- that i might live- and live to the fullest.  and the best friends anyone could ever hope for.  sometimes i wonder how i got so lucky- i certainly don't deserve them.
• it is good to record life's abundant graces on days like today, because then i can revisit this and remember them on days when they make themselves less noticeable.
• how has grace been working in your life lately?

grace in the mystery

i've been taking a meditation class this semester that has really pushed my thinking and self-reflection.  my professor is a buddhist lama.  to be perfectly honest, i didn't know all that much about buddhism coming into this class.  i knew the very basics of it from a historical perspective- that which i had to teach when i taught my sixth graders about ancient civilizations- but that's really about it.  i had always heard that it was not a religion but rather a way of life.  that description was never satisfactory to me because i believe that religions should be ways of living.  of course, often they aren't; they are just a set of beliefs that one supposedly claims as truth but never allows to enter the core of one's being and affect one's thoughts and actions.  too often there is great division between the religion professed and the life lived.

in this class, i really appreciate from a pedagogical standpoint that my professor acknowledges that most of us in the class identify with christianity.  he is not trying to convert us to his beliefs.  instead, he frequently challenges us to connect what we're learning in buddhist meditation practice with what we know from a christian perspective.  

today we were talking about the danger in thinking that we know people.  now, being someone who really values the relationships in my life and works hard to nourish them, i have to admit that i find it comforting to feel like i know a few people on this earth really well.  of course, i am really entertaining an illusion- what i know well are my perceptions of those people.  my professor writes, "as we begin to awaken to such pure perception in meditation practice, it dawns on us that we hadn't known others nearly as well as we had previously thought, even those nearest to us!  because now, rather than knowing them just through our familiar thoughts of them, we are starting to sense them from a deeper place." (awakening through love, p. 134)

although i am still learning, and not very far along on this journey, what i think this means is that, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, every human being has great potential and mystery.  if we acknowledge it, we allow that person to live freely as they are, at the very depth of their being, and we free ourselves from limiting frames of reference.  if we fail to acknowledge it, however, we are likely to only see this person for who they are in relation to us.  we see the "good things" they do as benefiting us (if only by providing a model for right action) and the "bad things" they do as harming us.

from the christian perspective, we believe that all of humanity was created in the image and likeness of God, inherently giving it dignity and value.  when we fail to acknowledge each person's deep capacity for goodness, we fail to see them as part of God's creation.  this concept was easy for me to grasp when it comes to people that i judge negatively from a distance (for example, i don't like chris brown because although he is a role model to many youth- including my former students- he does not live up to that, but rather beats his girlfriend.  do i actually know the person of chris brown?  no.  do i actually know what is in his head or his heart related to this whole event?  no.  but i have written him off as a bad example because of this action that made the headlines).  however, it's a lot harder to admit that we limit our loved ones' potential when we think that we know them rather than seeing their mystery.  

this topic used to come up a lot when i was living in intentional community because we all tended to put each other in boxes, label them, and communicate and interact with the boxes, rather than the fathomless beings that we originally put in the boxes.  why do we do this?  because it's comforting to think that you know someone and that you are known.  but there comes a point where you feel trapped inside that box; you can't escape others' perceptions of you.  you're the sweet one, or the emotional one, or the selfish one, or the fun one, or the cheap one, or the practical one.  but any one person can be all of those things in different situations!

so where does grace enter the picture?  i think that grace is what allows us to transcend those labels/boxes/false perceptions and to allow room for the holy spirit to act in others.  because of grace, we can allow God to do the knowing and the seeing, and, with practice, we can experience glimpses here and there of seeing one another (perhaps even ourselves) in God's eyes- for the deep, fathomless mysteries that we all are.